Haha well then congrats to you too! I still chew enough nicotine gum to poison the water supply of a small midwestern city so we’re even. And thanks old friend.

annual follow up: Not that I know what I'm doing, but a little annual advice: if you think maybe you might have a drinking problem, you do. Nobody ever worries they're eating too many pop tarts. There's no month where you try out giving it up. Ask for help. Sober people will help

since it's a slow news day I figured I'd mention that today, June 5th is my 20 year sober anniversary. Very grateful to have the support of my wonderful family & pals, my teriffic kiddos, a Jersey state trooper 2 decades ago who didn't "let me go" and that I never tried ketamine.

The Rabbit Hole with Jimmy Kimmel - YouTube a series of bits I wrote that make me giggle to illustrate that conspiracies are easy and dumb. Huge thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, director Jon Kimmel, editor Jaso...

this is a fun and silly series of bits I wrote to illustrate that conspiracies are easy and dumb www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...

texas chainsaw aspberger

a bit of 2024 - went to the oscars and a lotta baseball games, lost an emmy and who wants to be a millionaire on the million dollar question (in rehearsal) (something about Lyndon Johnson's Fresca consumption)

He said he’d rather just go straight up. I brought Kreskin up to a living room packed to partial capacity at a suburban grandpa’s birthday party and he CRUSHED for like 45 minutes doing card tricks and name dropping Carson and Howard Stern. A consummate showbusiness pro. RIP Kreskin.

We were standing next to the plastic folding table of two liter Pepsi bottles and bowls of Doritos. I replied “Crowd? It’s a living room. They’re all right there.” Unfazed, he looked around “is there a green room?” Baffled, I said he could probably chill in the room with all the coats on the bed.

Then, the house buzzed with anticipation because the celebrity guest had arrived- and in walked The Amazing Kreskin – who came over to me and asked “Are you the other guy?” I responded yes I was. He asked “How’s the crowd?”

I wasn’t told who the celebrity was . Surprisingly the car they sent dropped me off at a residential house in Staten Island. I did 15 underwhelming minutes into a karaoke microphone in an old man’s living room (with one interruption when a crying fight among the grandchildren had to be broken up).

Early in my career, 20 years ago I was asked to do standup at a birthday party for the septuagenarian father of an acquaintance. I was informed that I was opening for a “celebrity guest.”

Altoona McDonald's visited by Luigi Mangione is flooded with negative reviews after his arrest Google said it has removed the disparaging comments because they violate its content policies.

Altoona McDonalds
What a wonderful phrase
Altoona McDonalds
Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
It's our problem free
philosophy
Altoona McDonalds

Pete Hedgeseth walks into a bar and sits next to a boat anchor. The anchor looks at Pete and says “Hey we do the same thing!” Pete says “cause I’m a tv anchor and you’re a boat anchor?” And the anchor says “No, cause if you put us in bed your sheets get wet. Now sober up and get your shit together.”

there has only ever been one adult man in history to eat daily fistfulls of jellybeans, and he got alzheimers at work.
have there been any studies about this?

what kind of messages does it send to children when the new attorney general has sent messages to children