Sugar Riot & Gimme Cat

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social! #ffxiv #ArtsOfNighto💀

Fantastic!

A drawing of Chalo's Kacey, wearing a shirt that says "Big Slice Pizza", and holding a pizza box, trying out some slogans for Big Slice. "Why order 'normal' pizza when you can order BS pizza!" "You're never satisfied until your day's had some BS!" "There's always room for a little extra BS in your life!" Someone offscreen goes "I think you might need to work on your slogans a bit more... maybe stop using only the initials..." "Life is like a box of pizza; It's full of BS!"

Sketch 25 - BS Slogans

I think maybe Kacey needs to admit slogans aren't her thing. Also decided to add a little colour to this one. Why? I don't know. But I did!

Kacey belongs to the awesome Chalo, from his Knighthood comic.

I'm working now to try to sort this out in a better way.

There's new planning to do. And actions for me to take.

And step one is admitting that I do need more help, I do need more support and I do need reassurance that I can get through everything.

Which is a remarkably hard thing to ask for.

Impossible because I am looking at decades of buildup, and now trying to move them in the here and now. And terrifying because what happiness I do have and hold feels incredibly threatened by any kind of shift or change. Like I am better accepting "tiny happiness" rather than anything bigger.

Ultimately, I am still a long way from my goals. And what is most frustrating is that while I can see the mountain I have to climb, the idea of climbing it is equal parts seemingly impossible and utterly terrifying.

I want close, intimate friendships and relationships, yet I do not feel capable of doing them. The weight of "I am somehow wrong" drags heavily into that, putting a huge amount of fear into my actions that I have to monitor heavily.

And this has coupled with me living physically alone and isolated for a long time now. While I do have social circles and many dear friends, a great deal of my sense of safety around others has, by this isolation, eroded a good deal, putting me in many paradoxical positions.

25 years later, I am still wrestling with the very concept that I can be happy on my terms. Throughout those years, it has led me into toxic relationships, or had me put trust in people who hurt me while I refused to defend myself from their actions or neglect, accepting them as a cost for happiness

This was unintentionally reinforced by my parents, who encouraged me when I took actions that I thought would make me more like my brother. It was supportive, but I still had not had the ability to say "this is what makes me happy, not this", so I had little option but to keep trying what didnt work

What I lacked a lot of growing up was support and success on my terms. Instead, I would refer to my brother, realize I was not doing it his way and conclude that I was somehow living 'wrong'.

While we are still in a state of probing and finding out why this is, a theory building is that I have lived a vast majority of my life with a concept of success and happiness defined by my brother, who is a very different person than me. Not bad, but he was much more visibly successful than I was.

I had never even considered it. And I've begun to realize that even though I have that system built, and supportive friends who know what it means - I still don't have the 'courage' to say I need help. Which has been a troubling fact I've been trying to overcome.

When I said "yes, maybe I should go yellow (the color I use for more of a 'I am in a caution state' rather than crisis), my therapist said that she was shocked I was not willing to go to red (which is a much more crisis state where I am actively closing and saying I need help and support).

My therapist confronted me with the fact that I was no longer using signals that I developed with those close to me (those friends on discord who know about my colors). I had left things as "okay" even when I really was feeling overloaded and unable to process more.

My moods have been experiencing occasional, sharp declines without seemingly obvious triggers. Sure there is plenty going on to hurt one's mental health, but for me, there was something deeper going on. Especially since I regularly struggle with opening up to others.

So the last few months (approx December), I've been experiencing a pretty considerable backwards slide in my mental health. Never going into full crisis, but just bad days. Or so I thought. What it seems more likely was that I was going back to covering up and masking rather than opening up.

So it has been a pretty long time since I did one of these, but yesterday was a pretty tumultuous therapy day, so I think it might help if I post about it here.

I keep seeing folks say they'll just accept a Teen Friendly account on Discord rather than scan or ID and I don't know if I wanna mass normalize leaving NSFW pals out in the cold yet again. Especially with all the censorship stuff goin on I think we gotta stand with the freaks now more than ever.

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of our lil French princess Elise, explaining to her friends the RIGHT WAY to say Croissant~🥐

Tribute and credits to www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG9E... ▼ω▼

Thank you very much~!💛
#commission

illustration including ocs from and profile pics of people who are part of my community as a thank you for making 2025 a very nice year for me.

To everyone who supports me, thank you so much for being part of the community and being nice to me!!

I'm extremely grateful about how this year has been and I hope to keep making more cool stuff for you to enjoy in 2026!! #ArtsOfNighto💀

Utterly heartbroken by the news of you using AI. I was an enormous fan, I paid big into past kickstarters, this is an insult.

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of their ferret boy Riposte, taking a shower to think about the hardship of life🚿

Thank you very much~!💛
#commission

brother riposte dufort

Bröther DuForte of the Dark Angels Chapter

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social
#ArtsOfNighto💀

Commission for @curran12.bsky.social of adventuring girls downtime at the hot springs~( ¯꒳¯ )

Had to do some Manga-censoring there, too much fun timez💦

Thank you very much~!💛
#commission

The work now is going to be in actually teaching myself to take legitimate downtime where I am not in an alert or standby state. That, I admit, is daunting because it pushes hard against that upbringing. But here's hoping I can find a way.

Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.

It has led me into toxic relationships and romantic attractions in the past where I all but treated them as a drug and pursued the "high" of emotional bonding, not realizing that being emotionally open isn't supposed to be a drug I only get a hit of from time to time.

Plenty of guilt from a wealthy upbringing plays into it. Plus a generally isolated life (both physically and emotionally). I was the low-maintenance child who was independent, seemingly positive things, but now I am realizing the impact of such an upbringing.

I spend an enormous amount of energy, even when I am on downtime or off the clock, in a hypervigilant state. I keep the email open, I keep on in discord because I need to be ready to "help" even if I am in no shape to do so.

I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".

From an outside perspective, I can see how unhinged this behavior is. And how damaging.

As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.