Patel Hopes to Look Sober by Scheduling Joint Appearance With Hegseth “I need to hold a press conference with Pete after he’s been on an epic bender,” Patel reportedly told his staff.

Patel Hopes to Look Sober by Scheduling Joint Appearance With Hegseth
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

Trump Claims Pope’s Election was Rigged “There were a lot of ballots cast against him that were just burned,” he said. “You could see the smoke coming from the Vatican.”

Trump Claims Pope’s Election was Rigged
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

Obama Offers to Help Trump Craft Nuclear Deal with Iran “I hear you're having trouble keeping Iran from getting nukes,” Obama reportedly told Trump. “I have some ideas about how you might get that done.”

Obama Offers to Help Trump Craft Nuclear Deal with Iran
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

when you next go to get gasoline remember there is no oil shortage. The prices are going up because there's an imminent oil shortage. Just wait.

BREAKING: China Defies The US Announced Blockade On The Strait Of Hormuz

“We expect others not to interfere in our affairs. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, and has opened it to us”

No doctor dresses like that...

Notice how the most celebrated and successful space mission in *decades* was run by at least 50% “DEI hires”—not all white men? And not even all Americans. Maybe diversity *is* strength . . .

😬

Rumors are circulating that, tomorrow, Melania will give her speech again. This time...in English.

WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT: "Pam Bondi regrets that she must leave her position as US Attorney General for her new, very urgent duties as a fill-in receptionist at The Shield of the Americas, where she will help very important Kristi Noem complete many complex, urgent jigsaw puzzles."

Ex-FBI agents who worked on Trump cases sue agency and DoJ over firings

Class-action suit against FBI and justice department alleges agents were wrongfully terminated for investigating Trump

14th Amendment (1868):

“All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.”

Seems pretty clear to me.

Please don't give him the ratings to bother watching. They'll be plenty of information shared afterwards.

Dems need to be on every news channel saying this. Everyday. All day.

Bark @barkmeta Let me explain what just happened 👇 5 minutes before the President announced a halt to attacks on Iran… someone placed a $1.5 BILLION bet on stocks going up and dumped $192 million in oil. 5 minutes… These trades were 4 to 6 times larger than anything else in the entire market. Whoever did this wasn’t guessing. You don’t risk $1.5 billion on a hunch. There was zero public indication this announcement was coming. No leaks. No press. Nothing. The only people who knew were in the room when the decision was made. Someone in that room picked up a phone. And within minutes they made more money than most Americans will earn in a thousand lifetimes. In a single trade. On a war that cost you $4+ a gallon gas and $16 billion in tax dollars. American citizens funded this war. Politicians are profiting from it.

So this seems bad and also illegal. Too bad we don't have a justice department willing to prosecute blatant corruption.

1/3

Trump Says Intelligence Played No Role in His Decision to Start War “Intelligence is for losers.”

Trump Says Intelligence Played No Role in His Decision to Start War
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

Jonathan Turley is just Mike Lindell with tenure.

Trump Sends Stephen Miller to Strait of Hormuz: ‘No One Clears a Place out Faster Than Him’ He expressed confidence in Miller’s effectiveness as a human repellent.

Trump Sends Stephen Miller to Strait of Hormuz: ‘No One Clears a Place out Faster Than Him’
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.- Clarence Darrow

Technically oxymoron, but just moron works too.

Never stop talking about the Epstein Files.

Never stop talking about the Epstein Files.

Never stop talking about the Epstein Files.

Eric Trump Calls Ayatollah’s Son an Incompetent Moron who Only Got Position Through Nepotism “The last thing the world needs is yet another total bonehead getting a leg up just because of who his dad is,” Trump said.

Eric Trump Calls Ayatollah’s Son an Incompetent Moron who Only Got Position Through Nepotism
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

👇🏻

I guess we now know why Saudi Arabia and Qatar, Iran's two biggest regional rivals, bribed Trump and his family with a 747 jet, golf development deals, and billions of dollars of investments.

Can't He has inherited bone spurs.

If you think BIRTH CONTROL pills are “a disrespect of life,” and can’t just say birth control is safe and effective for the overwhelming majority of women with your whole chest, you should NOT be America’s top doctor.

I'm voting NO on Casey Means for Surgeon General.

After Redactions Trump’s State of the Union to be Seventeen Seconds Long The announcement raised eyebrows among political observers.

After Redactions Trump’s State of the Union to be Seventeen Seconds Long
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz...

Reminder: Guess who was Florida's Attorney General from 2011 to 2019 while Epstein was running his sex ring?

Pam Bondi!

This is nothing new for Pam Bondi - she's been ignoring Epstein's crimes for 15 years.

#TrumpEpsteinCoverUp

I would like to replace our Secretary of Defense please 🇺🇸

Congress will vote to lower the age to prosecute minors as adults from 16 down to 14 in DC.

Let me get this straight:

Congress wants to prosecute 14 yr. olds as adults, but they don’t want to prosecute adults who sexually abuse 14 year olds?

Release the Epstein files.