Holy hell, the Pentagon had to figure out how to make sure Dear Leader's social media addiction wouldn't ruin an actual military operation.

What an allegory for our times.

SPACEBALLS THE SNACK FOOD!!! (The kids love this one.)

Hello, pollen, my old friend... you've come to kill me once again.

This is an Actual Thing.

Woman arrested after raccoon named Chewy found with meth pipe in driver's seat during police stop A woman has been arrested when a raccoon named Chewy was holding a meth pipe in the driver’s seat of her car in what police are calling a “strange encounter on patrol."

Headline of the Week™:

Between the tense dramatic apocalypse of "The Last of Us" and the actual apocalypse detailed on "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver," HBO is like 92.4% responsible for my inability to sleep on Sunday nights.

When are these stickers going to start appearing on store shelves?

Spring unfiltered

Current plan: I’m gonna go recruit some penguins from the Heard and McDonald Islands and convince them to riot with me.

Boom.

No… no, you’re not, especially not if you have to advertise it like that.

April 1: The only day when people treat social media posts with appropriate suspicion.

#obama2028

But who won???

SCENE: Weekly 1:1 with my boss.

BOSS: "How are you?"
ME: "Well, I didn't text anyone any top-secret war plans today, so there's that..."

Worth noting: This portrait was paid for by Republicans, approved by Republicans and put up in 2019, before Polis was governor of CO. But none of that matters to the Whiny Narcissistic Man-Baby.

Trump blasts his portrait inside Colorado’s Capitol – which has hung since 2019 – as ‘purposefully distorted’ President Donald Trump on Sunday eviscerated his presidential portrait that hangs inside the Colorado Capitol building, calling it “truly the worst” and attacking both artist and Gov. Jared Polis.

Worth mentioning: This portrait was paid for by Republicans, approved by Republicans and has been on display in the Capitol since 2019 — before Polis was governor.

BUT HER EMAILS... 🙄🤦🏻‍♂️

White House inadvertently texted top-secret Yemen war plans to journalist Senior Trump cabinet members copied Atlantic journalist into chat used to discuss secret strikes against Houthis

BUT HER EMAILS...

I had DeVry University beating University of Phoenix to win March Madness, so my bracket is already busted.

I may be in bed half-delirious with a fever of 101.5, but thank goodness my fingers still instinctively tap out the bass line to Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus” when it comes on the radio.

Paul Baldwin confirms: “GLP-1s did not cure my shpilkes in my genektegezoint.”

"Hate Everyone" - Say Anything

Elon Musk's Kid Keeps Saying Weird Stuff About Trump Little X appeared to tell Trump

Not to stoke the conspiratorial fires, but... gizmodo.com/elon-musks-k...

So much for the “Jesus loves” bumper sticker and the “Serve & Pray” license plate holder on that SUV where the driver refused to let me merge and gave me a Flavor Flav “I can’t do nothin’ for ya, man” gesture.

Pretty sure today is January 73rd.

And yet, thousands and thousands of Americans are happily using the platform while our administration talks about TikTok.

I keep dreaming about the end of the world. I wonder why…?