you’re a scientist

undermining your haircut

the stink is what makes me happy cry

i also tell people in the drive through “i love you” because no one told them that and now they work in a drive through

let’s give different drugs to different animals and see what happens

tears roll down my cheeks for all the time that has passed, that I never get back

when i was little i would hide out in there, smelling like burnt hair

headline: team with more points wins

why can’t we just plug in grandparents like we used to?

you were pretty good in the all car version of Schindler’s List

robots should chase robot-boars only

… wear this thing … buy this other thing … hate all of these …

eat someone else’s lunch, just a bite

don’t let cats have all the hairballs

break each part of the task into it’s own 5-minute task, and then break each of those down and so on

stuffing garlic under your skin at night

pencil pushers always trying to make me grind them up and snort them

if it wasn’t for zoos we’d have tigers and kangaroos and koalas everywhere

i also enjoy spending the next few weeks telling everyone they were hated

i’m tired of zoos hogging all the good animals

yet we will always be unsettled by the people who do want him

can’t be worse than drinking drain-o

no one likes that one

no one wears straight jackets anymore

everything scientists know about howler monkeys is wrong, they’re just drunk

i’m friends with other raccoons who aren’t in this picture

that’s a lie, i have friends

how did you feel when you found out every other account here is a bot?

we’ll all be your therapy, just tell us your feelings

i look forward to the moment people are on their deathbed and they say all the things they hated