Why don't me musicians play the saw? I feel like it's a folk instrument that's really slept on.

Five Dollar Idea of the Day:

A business that makes advent-style calendars year round for every month.

Make every day feel special.

I'm burnt out on the doom and destruction in the world.

For the next 24 hours, I'm going to hyperfixate on what ingredients go into the perfect pub mix.

"I'm an enigma, shrouded in mystery, wrapped in sausage, dredged in flour, and deep fried in the deepest questions of the cosmos. I am the manifestation of the multifaceted dichotomy of man...

... no wait, that's just a Scotch egg."

It's the first day of Spring! We made it!

I can feel my Seasonal Affective Disorder being replaced with garden variety depressive disorder as I look out upon the light dusting of yellow on everything

If I weren't a musician, i would just hibernate during St. Patrick's Day week

Survived "harvest season" for Irish musicians.

I guess you can put me back into cold storage until September for "Halfway to Pat's"

As I stand, Guinness in hand, I'm reminded of what I was told last Paddy's Day.

It's "Harvest Season" for Irish musicians.

I've got a case of the nerves for tonight's show

Was outside testing my bagpipes when the neighbor who has been causing parking drama arrived.

To summarize the scene: I was the guy in the kilt with the bagpipes and a vaguely threatening message.

It's the eve before St. Patrick's Day festival eve, and it's too late to adjust my drone reeds. I'll have to do it tomorrow.

Hashtagbagpiperproblems.

Running wind sprints is just frolicking in straight line without the joy.

I realize it's March, but I've decided that one of my new year's resolutions is to unnecessarily roll my R's more in words such as "thrrrust."

People don't enjoy making noises with they mouths enough. Or, really, doing things with their mouths in general.

I shall do my part to fix this

"Jack, why are there plates in your fridge?"

"Sink was getting full."

Defenestrate me once, shame on you. Defestrate me twice, shame on ...

... wait, what? Four times???

Why didn't they move their offices to the first floor?!

When you've become more bold about wearing your great kilt a little higher on the knee, then the chilly wind blows and you say:

"Oh, dear, I may have made a tactical error"

Sleep is the weirdest thing. It's like "I'm going to lay here and pretend to be asleep, and eventually my brain will make be be asleep."

Context-Free Quote of the Day:

"There's a toilet in the front yard, but it's tasteful"

The bard did some things tonight that involved singing, drinking, playing tunes and telling stories. I'm stupidly fulfilled right now

I just paid $7.50 for a bud lite in a metal bottle. What is this, fucking Panther's stadium?

That reminds me of a joke I once heard: You know the difference between a catholic and a protestant?

A catholic will say hello when they bump into you at the liquor store.

*Orders a beer in a bar... then notices a pro-Trump sign*

Me to myself: "I'm going to beat a hasty exit before I'm hate crimed. But after I finish this beer, because I'm more afraid of wasting a beer than I am afraid of bigots."

Can we just get everyone to Google the phrase "Is Nicole Russell satire?" so it becomes a Google top search?

I just accidentally read one of her articles and I rediscovered religion in praying that it was a joke

Actual conversation I had today about brass instruments:

"It's not a 'spit valve,' it's called a 'water key.'"

"Yeah, and what comes out of it?"

"Spit."

While the sound of bagpipes might bring a swelling to one's heart and a tear to one's eye...

...What really makes my eyes water is when I'm adjusting the drone reed tuning peg and bridle, the drone end slips and I gag on the drone reed.

I've been asked to do a voiceover to replace an AI voice on a training video.

In Soviet Russia, you steal jobs from AI.

The astroturf has become sentient!!!!

The concept of "artificial intelligence" implies the existence of centipede intelligence, monkey intelligence, bermuda intelligence, and St. Augustine intelligence.

Five dollar idea of the day:
An architectural firm specializing in playground design.

"The Consultants Of Swing"

I bought an electric coffee percolator so I can cycle my coffee through four rounds of fresh grounds.

Forget cold brew concentrate. This is hot brew concentrate.

That Coldplay song must be about spilling turmeric powder all over the countertop.

My kitchen is entirely yellow.