Very!

My kids couldn’t tell you when my birthday is if you paid them, but they sure as hell know the cat’s birthday that we have never even celebrated

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me

cat: prrhaps

TikTok trend filming Gen Alpha hearing a CD skip and trying to troubleshoot it

Do you think Jimmy John and Papa John are related?

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

[Walking into the bank]

I see debt people

🎶I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you*🎶

*although by all I actually just mean the $50 that we agreed on

joy: you don’t owe me anything

beethoven: what

This day in history. 2015. National Tea Day in the United Kingdom. Dreadful stuff, tea. Poisons the insides and breaks the spirit. My uncle Petey gave up whisky and switched to tea and never pulled a quarter out of my ear again.

‪*18th century*

Passenger: 3 days travel. A pity there is no music to make the journey more pleasant.

Carriage driver: Ah! *pointing to string quartet in back* Not to worry, I just installed Stradivarius XM.

healing my inner torment by incorporating one bandaid a day into my diet

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

I have been thinking of going back to school to facilitate a career change. If I can go back to driving school and learn to parallel park, I am sure that job path ends in great success

I have not had a single professional interaction with a man in the past five years where he didn't loudly wife or girlfriend me (regale me with elaborate stories of their female companions) within the first five minutes, and I wonder if they think I am afraid of them or they are afraid of me

Will SpongeBob do?

i've done my high intensity workout (19.9K posts) now give me my donut

I put the fun in defunct

minding my own business is the best decision I've ever made

had a momentary lapse of madness one out of five stars do not recommend

These candy cigarettes aren't hitting like they use to.

I never expected to be a multi-millionaire, but I would like to know what it's like not to order off the McValue menu.

😂🏆

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Vegans believe butchers are gross, but the guy who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

My local gas station must be run by stoners because they’re charging $4.20 today.

A psychic farmer is a fortune tiller.

In the divorce settlement you should get back all of your favorite songs, memory free.