with apologies to @zachweinersmith.bsky.social and @davidmalki.com

weird al descends an elevator to the stage as he sings:

everybody's hungry for some polish dumplings
here's where the good stuff is
you are always welcome, why don't you just all come
to my pierogi biz

(it's my pierogi biz)
stuffed with meat or cheese
(it's my pierogi biz)
or potato if you choose

keep one in your wallet, just in case

Six individually wrapped quail eggs

individually-wrapped single-use lubricated quail eggs

this sounds like something out of a bulgakov novel

if the onion wants to really twist they knife they should start selling normal vitamins that work on infowars

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

ooooohhhh, they mean *this* sauron

finally we won't have to run down wounded and exhausted gazelles ourselves anymore

Photo I took of these wonderful people (the faces of whom I’ve blacked out) singing happy Birthday to their lovely old dog at a bar I was at tonight in Portland

I was at a dog-friendly bar in NW Portland tonight and a table behind me started singing Happy Birthday and then I realized it wasn’t for a person but a really old dog who was wearing a crown and he was old and fucking adorable and I love this city

Charlie v. Chocolate Factory was a 6–3 decision in favor of the Chocolate Factory, affirming the right of a corporation to enslave small orange people.

I have eaten
the plums, oh LORD,
that Thou hadst
set aside

and which
Thou wert probably
saving
for the righteous

Forgive me
they led me into temptation,
so sinful
and so cold

@disabilitystor1.bsky.social

oh goody this one is gendered female

and named after the history of science’s Patron Saint of Having Your Work Ripped Off and Unrecognized By Dudes

How is TJ Maxx not getting in on "looksmaxxing," riding it hard for a fiscal quarter of advertising campaign, then walking away with the satisfaction of having murdered the trend.

I got a different answer that was somehow worse

The Perfessor from the comic strip Shoe, in which the characters are all birds

“Two can play at that game” is literally the Drebin quote here when he takes an innocent woman hostage to cluelessly fight the enemy

painting of a skeleton in a gray overcoat, sunflower floral shirt, black pants, dress shoes and green gloves holding a book with a sunflower on the cover and releasing a red ray through the finger on the other hand. next to it is a capybara cub with a spiked collar.

skeleton mage and his pet capybara

the pope is apsemaxxing

maybe it's a typo, and they meant the word that means "associated with the place of the altar, eucharist, and liturgy"

you know...

"apsed"

conservative free speech is when they speak and you listen or suffer the consequences

a movie couple who would definitely have a podcast

you all just haven't had whatever it is you're complaining about prepared right

I personally think not safe to remain in any personal relationship with anyone who is using LLMs to analyze your relationship, make conclusions about your motives, or determine how to treat you. I think this is beyond red flag—it should be an immediate dealbreaker.

aside from the shocking! reveal, it really goes to show how much they love getting lied to that the amount she was getting taxed on $11,000 in tips is supposed to cover cancer treatment, the loss of her husband's income, and a few vacations

plus an $1,800 car repair in the next post

that bird looks heavy

Gonna be a lot of people whose last words are "Is...that...Nicole Kidman?!"

four photos of niciole kidman in a parking lot, in soft lineny pink and green clothes, exuberantly happy at having just divorced tom cruise

nicole kidman after she guides me to a good death