*this is* a skeet about Bosman

SCULLY: It's impossible. There's no one on earth who could teach you to fit that many marshmallows in your mouth.

MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...

when the vibes are harsh and fucked up/
311 comes to me/
something something amber/
energy

No it’s one of the only good ones

just dropped a can of whoopass on the floor. it's fucking everywhere. it's under the fridge

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court—
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

They are following us around at work with tubes of goo and feeding us each time we complete a task. They won’t tell us what the contents are but basically I’m unmotivated to do anything now without my delicious goo

Simple as innit

In solidarity with today's ICE OUT OF MINNESOTA blackout, MinnMax is donating $1 to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota for every share of this Bluesky post for the next hour.

For sale: baby shoes never worn and all my other sad shit. A book on how to earn your GED still in shrinkwrap. A signed headshot of Bill Cosby, from after the allegations. A picture of me tripping and breaking my glasses on the toilet seat at my wedding. A third baby shoe (the legless twin).

Other than the glasses looking corny as hell I think it’s fine.

do you guys hear that bell tolling? wonder who it’s for. it’s so loud lmao

if they did January 6 today, it'd be called "January 6-7." Thank you for reading. RIP Ashley Babbert

What’s going on with that coat dude has more segments than a fucking worm

Taylor Swift Updates 2028

He’s right for Deadlock.

Yup. same. We're starting with Dilbert. Set ourselves up for success.

I’d kill for a good meal.

[too loud] hahaha yeah, rita seahorse is great, i love plumbis

Did the grink write this

Krafton. No thanks.

PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual!
EVERYONE: (laughs)
ME: (typing on phone)
ME: (typing)
ME: (takes photo of host)
ME: (typing)
ME: (typing)
ME: (stifling laughter to self)
ME: (typing)
ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.

Hey man come over, we're watching ready player one nude. We're all gonna point at the screen and wild out when they show garfield or whoever. Rest of the time, we're free to explore the pleasures of each other's bodies. Eyes, hands, mouth, it's all good. It's just skin man. Just garfield and skin.

Am I the only one who sees the massive vagina front and center?

Posted a private group chat meme that said "Skinnyfat White Boys - We Get The Job Done!" and less than a minute later my car alarm was screaming from a brick thrown through the windshield of my 2018 VW Jetta. Probably just a coincidence. But please stay safe out there.

Some day I hope to make love to my wife and get "The Paul Hollywood Handshake". But we've mostly just been watching a lot of the baking show together instead of being physical. Until I solve my problems.

There has never been a better time to never give Microsoft another cent.

MEGABONK, BALL X PIT, Hades II

The saddest thing that's ever happened to me was a stranger hiding under my car slashed my Achilles tendons ahead of a brutal attack and left me for dead, causing me to drop an expensive boutique ice cream I hadn't even tasted. Maine blueberry and sage crumble in a dark chocolate dipped waffle cone.

Have you checked out Glass Beams? Their shit slaps.