Most of the time the antidote is to simply stop taking the poison

Prepping for my colonscopy by drinking bone broth, and this is the closest I've ever felt to Gwyneth Paltrow. 🥰

My stomach hurts. I wonder which one of my 70 unhealthy habits is causing it this time.

beautiful morning to dig up soil ✨🌸

me after unhinging my jaw and swallowing an entire rotisserie chicken: girl dinner

Please don’t call me when I’m outside smiling at dogs.

I’m like a rose in that I would like you to toss me in an open grave.

Peeps are not to be consumed, they are to be studied.

You always know a celebrity has hit hard times, because that's when they really buckle down the finances, and stop buying private islands.

You know the economy is getting bad when middle aged white men on traveling salesman salaries can only afford the one family

Sometimes selective amnesia is a sword and sometimes it’s a shield. And sometimes it’s another thingy, I can’t recall what.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

I carry around a lot of nevers.

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

Not to brag but I can now carry $250 worth of groceries into the house with one hand.

My mind never goes blank, it just wanders off like a vagrant

I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.

I wish people could live in peace, not just rest in peace.

I'd like to be alone now please sign out.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Not heartbroken, not moving on, but an insufferable third thing

I grew up in the 80s so I think I know a thing or two about saying no to drugs

i apologize for what i said before i had my first cup of gravy

Like the huckleberry, I can tolerate shade but fruit better in dappled light

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

The older I get, the more I
sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.