Same tbh 😅

I frickin shared!!! (I was also sitting on Her Stool which was my fault)

This hurt so much and she also got stuck (of course)

Get ready to *lose your fucking mind* lol

I’ve never felt this intensely about anything in my life

Close up of Maxine clawing my ass

“Do you think this is a fucking game?”

Maxine, a grey striped cat, glaring at me while clawing my ass

I was eating a piece of salmon and felt a sharp pain in my ass cheek 💀

Wow, okay, unfollowing now. Was a big fan of his chaotic yet jolly mascot antics— was not aware of the live penguin eating incident.

Oh god I’m so happy for you

Finally, someone addressing the important stuff!!

“This terrible incident occurred because my phone was being texted on and/or having TikTok content recorded on it, also by me. It has not been put down by me in 2,875 days.”

This is a strange thing to announce, but it’s going to become apparent soon, so: I’m getting divorced. Please be nice— we’ve been separated for a few months, it was a mutual decision, and Jeff is truly a great person. On to the next chapter for both of us 🌱

“I’M DOING IT FOR THE PLOT!!” I tell myself after spending entirely too much money on one (1) sports ticket

Crouton sleeping on a burnt orange duvet

Poor baby is exhausted from a long night of slow-roasting me to death with her body heat

Crou says “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine 🫶”

Today’s crossword can suck my fucking ass

I deadass don’t know how to free us without ripping this shirt
She’s snoring happily and I am so fucking sweaty 💀💀

Alright at this point it’s a choice

Me when I’m watching a bad horror movie and dogs are chasing the main characters: “oooooh it’s Mista Doody Man!”

It did make me laugh tbh

I'm only here for a lil time. I got stuff to do so I won't be reading these. I bet they lightin that ass up though.

All the time and money I spend carefully curating my perfume collection, only to be asked if I use Tide Oxi because “I used a Tide pod and it smelled exactly like you” 🙄

oh gross dude, what is this?? is this my own medicine? I hate that shit bro that's why I'm always giving it to other people!!

Just remembered that my vape died at the bar on Saturday and I said “all my vapes gone ☹️” and absolutely no one got the joke which means I cannot hang out with these people anymore

“AI is clearly sticking around so you have to get used to it” wrong. I don’t have to get used to shit. I am a practiced hater and I can keep this going for decades if I am required to

the April of my discontent

me laying in bed with a small terrier tucked completely inside the back of my tank top

Woke up at 2:30am being boa-constricted by my shirt because Crouton decided she would also be wearing it 🥲

This could fix me rn