I LOVE MY DOGS

You melt my heart like all this mozzarella on this pizza. *And thank you for the pizza.

I love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm not a connoisseur or anything I just like to say pulled pork.

Love is…a pulled pork baked potato

I honestly have nothing intelligent to add today, so buttholes.

Sometimes when you're really hot and your throat is dry a big slug of an ice cold cream soda is just the thing.

The colossal belch that follows is just a bonus.

I bet that couple from the Big Red commercial is still kissing.

[health app on my phone]

did you sign your will motherfucker?

May the 4th is coming up and I'll be posting the same amazing joke I do every year even though it consistently bombs

Mark your calendars.

Nobody told me these suspenders were going to give me cameltoe

don’t invite me to your party unless you have a mystery for me to solve

Crispin Glover turns 62 Monday. By George, how time McFlys.

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.

"You're just a layabout who thinks he knows everything."

"It's lieabout."

I love how Levy and Messier are pounding him about it. 😄

[at the sports bar]

Me: Excuse me, can you change it to Food Network? Guy's Grocery Games is on.

“What is so funny?,” he says to the gathering crowd watching his dramatic performance of Charles in Charge season 4, episode 10.

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

PK Subban should get a double minor for those pants.

Don't announce "Wilhelm Scream!" when you hear one in a movie challenge.

I have seriously lost track of how many times we've completely obliterated Iran's military and how many times Trump has reopened the Strait of Hormuz.

a woman is covering her mouth with her hand while wearing a bracelet . Alt: a woman is covering her mouth with her hand while wearing a bracelet .

Y'all......

One of the guys at work and I were talking about concerts today and I said my first one was NSync.

He says.....

Omg y'all.....

He says.....

"who is that?"

The gasp I gusped....

Lady Bugs: I AM POISONOUS

Human Beings: SO CUTE

It's so nice of all these Avengers:Doomsday ads to give me a countdown to my birthday.

The energy between us is orange cat.

formal request to all of the companies and establishments that are currently sending me bills: stop it

*hearing kids screaming in horror in the distance* ahh, they grow up so fast

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

We blew that right out of the water. Well, I did. The other guys were all younger. I do remember being more hardy about this stuff. 😄