Fuck all Tesla drivers forever*

*except for the bearded gentleman I saw on the 405 today who had a “deport Elon” sticker on his Tesla AND used his turn signals.

Came to the Chef’s restaurant for dinner tonight and the restaurant owner asked if I had a “good Super Bowl” then his lawyer (who I have met once before) came up behind me, hugged me, and said “you are soooo beautifullll”… rich people make me uncomfortable.

As Chef and I are leaving the restaurant, he called to the bartender “bye, Tyler, love you!” And - AS A JOKE - I yelled the same thing… except Tyler didn’t hear the Chef, he only heard me.

So now I can never go in there again.

a man is holding a squirrel in his car ALT: a man is holding a squirrel in his car

If your child is born on Groundhog’s Day and you don’t make a joke about being worried about him seeing his shadow and going back in for 6 more weeks, what’s even the point of having a child?

Anyway, my kid was born 26 years ago so I’ve been making that joke for 25 years.

Felt a little dirty hitting my tattoo artist with the “hey stranger” after a year of not having any money for tattoos, but I’m excited to continue my tradition of spending my birthday with him.

Two servings of bruschetta served on a cutting board - homemade bread, homemade burrata, homemade balsamic vinegar, heirloom tomatoes, and organic greens.

A friend asked if she could crash my date at the Chef’s restaurant and halfway through eating, she leaned over to me and said:

“Am I imagining it, or is EVERYONE who works here really attractive?!”

It’s true, the restaurant itself is whatever, but the staff and the food are needlessly pretty.

Absolutely a Gone Girl reference!

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Absolutely losing my mind over these billboards from Drake the Lawyer here in Southern California.

Last night, a couple who are regulars at the Chef’s restaurant came up to hug me (WHY?) and tell me that they know I like to bake (HOW?) and they are going to bring me his grandmother’s recipe for persimmon cookies (WHY? But also… obviously I’m curious and I’ll try them)

my love life is like how to lose a guy in ten days but i only need ten actual minutes.

Someone came into my office looking for the mochi place next door. I told them we don’t sell mochi, it’s next door, he looks skeptical and bends over to look under the chairs in the lobby…

Oooop, you got me! We sell mochi and we keep it on the floor! How many would you like?

a cartoon character wearing a green hat with a letter l on it ALT: a cartoon character wearing a green hat with a letter l on it

I was just thinking that it’s going to be weird, 5-6 years from now, when every kindergarten class has 5 kids (gender irrelevant) named Luigi.

On the bright side, being sick enough to call in allowed me to miss my grubby, wet-coughing office’s Christmas party.

On the not-bright side, someone in that grubby, wet-coughing office got me fucking sick and I feel like I was run over by a truck.

Me: okay, just to confirm, you want to order the 6.25 inch scissors…

Customer: no! I told you I wanted the 6 and a quarter inch scissors.

Me: … that’s actually… okay, sure, the 6 and a quarter scissors.

Only when I get a job at Starbucks

Trying to leave the Chef’s holiday party and a sushi chef I’d never met before was hugging me and pledging her undying love for me. She insisted that I put her number in my phone.

As I’m typing it in, I ask if her name is Crystal with a C or a K

“Like meth”

And I might have found my new bestie.

I’ll add some glitter and a bow and make it fabulous

They serve Italian food, so lots of tomato based stuff, I’m always dressing to camouflage my messy eating. And no matter what outfit I wear, I’m wearing converse with it so I can wash them if necessary.

I just show the chef my boobs every once in a while, but I’m not sure if that works for everyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

In this economy? I do that in my regular life 😂

Chef: you know how at our Christmas parties we always…

Me: I say this with as much affection as humanly possible… you and I met in April… of this year. How would I know any of the alwayses of your job?

It’s BOH and FOH and the owner (small restaurant, small staff), so that will be interesting. And I have to work at my dumb office job the next day, so I can’t even enjoy all that tequila 😭… but I won’t wear heels anyway because I’m clumsy. Dress and Converse it is!

Right??? I was like… “thanks, but I just trying to figure out if I have to wear a dressss…?”

He said “last year I dressed as Santa”

So… still no help

I was trying to figure out what to wear to the holiday party for the Chef’s restaurant, so I asked what the vibe usually is.

“Lots of tequila, a couple people doing blow in the office… and a few years ago, a guy broke his neck. He’s okay now, though”

So… that was super helpful.

8 years old, already learning that a lot of stuff that is supposed to be fun actually sucks 😭

My friend’s kid was in a parade with his Scout troop and afterwards, I asked how he liked it -

“Before, I didn’t think I would have fun… and I was right.”

That kid is so real.