I was at opening day where a pigeon fell dead from the sky, landing next to Brett Baty. Is this the dead pigeon year?

Id like to eat an olive as big as an apple. Geneticists, make it so 👏👏

Me rn

I'm not on here much but I just saw #lordoftherings The Fellowship on the big screen and it was a great experience. Find someone in your life who looks at you like Sam does Frodo

"F*ck you. Pay me." Comes to mind

"Jesus was a punk rock icon"

My hair, it calls the shots. I am merely a head for it

Renovating the White House's historical charm to gaudy/modern has real plot to Beetlejuice vibes

Boomers, who box their ears when given a cell phone, are concerned about children with autism

White smoke billows from my neighbor's garage.

Wardrobe malfunction

Lady Gaga, #Coachella 2025. Greatest show I've ever seen.

Lady Gaga, Coachella 2025. Greatest show I've ever seen?

Coachella 2025 and Prodigy is killing it. Lasers. Rip it.

My kingdom for a Zima

My springtime look? Falls latent depression

I'm not saying Mrs Met is first on my celerity hall pass list, but...

The Instagram algorithm does not think highly of me

Stocking up on maple syrup and moose antler

I'm in a bar, and Weird Science is playing for Val Kilmer night. I haven't the heart to tell them that Real Genius is what they meant to put on.

Big fat 'told ya so' incoming

Cory is speaking about Tump!

Daryl Hall & John Oates - You Make My Dreams (Official HD Video) YouTube video by hallandoatesVEVO

Ok. You Make My Dreams Come True by Hal and Oats is the Ducktales theme song

youtu.be/EErSKhC0CZs?...

I expect my tombstone to read "A man who made bombass salads"

Bride! Bride! Mrs Stein! Who are you wearing tonight?

Im going to start laying my own eggs

I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my sides
I'm so dangerous

- Peter Tosh

And Schumer gets to keep his Wallstreet spigot open. Sucks to suck.