World to continue trying to ‘gentle parent’ Israel into not massacring civilians

"Hey buddy, listen, war crimes are not on. Ok?" chaser.com.au/world/world-...

(This was first posted in 2024 but the government still seems to be using the same template)

To whom it may deeply concern, The (term for ‘thing that happened’ that is vague and doesn’t sound too bad) that has been seen in (location) recently has been (adjective) concerning. Australia once again maintains our position that (word that means ‘violence’ but in a term that doesn’t sound as scary) should not continue for too much longer. This tragic (word that makes it sound like a natural disaster) was concerning and as such we are calling for (thing that sounds like action but isn’t). We are also disturbed by (insert claim that has already been proven false to both-sides the blame for the deaths of civilians) and hope that a solution can be found to (Israel’s excuse here) without Israel crossing any (colour of line that Israel is allowed to cross) lines. Yours in (word to help pretend like you actually care about any of the people in danger), (Insert politician name here)

The Australian Government releases statement following latest (insert war crime here)

7News reports that Ben Roberts-Smith has been arrested on multiple counts of being too much of a handsome legend

"Oh so it's now a crime to have incredible abs?" chaser.com.au/general-news...

Trump vows to end Iran War as soon as he thinks of a new, more exciting war

chaser.com.au/world/trump-...

Unprofessional: Keir Starmer yaps on for way longer than 3 minutes

Image of Albanese giving the national address with the text: Breaking - National Address could have been an email. Chaser headline: STOP THE PRESSES! Man has nothing to announce

chaser.com.au/national/sto...

National Address could have been an email

Photoshopped image of Anthony Albanese holding a press conference with Harold Holt. Chaser headline - National Address: Albanese announces Harold Holt’s return to Prime Minister position

"That's right we found him and he's ready to get back to work."
chaser.com.au/national/nat...

QLD Police patrol Karaoke bars to crack down on illegal John Farnham songs

Reports suggest police had a close call at 2am as thousands of people drunkenly started belting out Farnham around the state, but luckily it was only You're The Voice. chaser.com.au/general-news...

Image of Andrew Bolt show with text: "Woke ABC silences our ability to be mad..." Headline: Strike leaves ABC without content, leaving Sky News without content

"The terrifying power of a union" chaser.com.au/general-news...

ABC bosses demand staff work full day of unpaid overtime tomorrow for 'balance'

"We trust they can pull this off, they have plenty of experience with unpaid overtime" chaser.com.au/general-news...

Striking teachers tell Victorian Government, “it’s your own time you’re wasting”

"I am happy to stand here and wait until you do the right thing." chaser.com.au/general-news...

Albanese to add boing him to controversial hate speech laws

The PM said he will also be banning the use of 'hateful slurs' including 'spineless prick' and 'class traitor'. chaser.com.au/national/alb...

History teacher in crisis after realising that learning history clearly does fuck all to stop us repeating it

"My entire life is a lie" she said after scrolling the news. chaser.com.au/general-news...

shh dont tell the boss

RBA tells working class people to stop wasting money on ‘luxuries’ like food, shelter and transport

"We all need to make sacrifices, that's what I told the help" said the RBA boss chaser.com.au/general-news...

Thesaurus searches for ‘Invasion’ spike as media begins reporting on Lebanon

The searches seem to be coming from areas with lots of politicians and journalists. chaser.com.au/world/thesau...

Man who calls women "females" hopes to one day be allowed within 500 metres of one

"It's unfair how they treat me. Whenever I go up to them and say 'hello there females' they leave." chaser.com.au/general-news...

Maths teacher thanks Sam Kerr for getting nation obsessed with angles

"All day I've heard people talking about the wonders of an angle and wanting to analyse it." chaser.com.au/sport/maths-...

ACMA bravely stands up to Kyle and Jackie O show weeks after show was already taken off air

After 27 years and 1 show cancellation, the heroic media regulator suddenly found a spine. chaser.com.au/entertainmen...

Modern Disney+ reboot sees Bear struggling to afford Big Blue House

"As the show goes on he might be forced to become Bear in the Small Blue Apartment.” chaser.com.au/entertainmen...

Burke clarifies proposal to ban people from Middle East coming to Australia wont apply if they're good at sport

"We will only use this power to block people from places like Iran legally coming here in specific situations, like any that we can't use as a photo-op." chaser.com.au/national/bur...

Littleproud resigns after realising he would have to have meetings with Angus Taylor

"I'm buggered. Can't we just tell him I'm sick or dead or something?" he said to staffers. chaser.com.au/national/lit...

Local doctor tells female patient that it’s not International Women’s Day, suggests Panadol

"I get what you're saying but there doesn't seem to be anything unusual about today" he said chaser.com.au/general-news...

PM offers Trump unconditional support for any plans to declare war on Australia

“We pre-emptively back any potential pre-emptive self defence operations the US feels is necessary," said Albanese chaser.com.au/national/pm-...

Jackie O realises Kyle’s an arsehole 20 years after everyone else

"Oh, that's why Melbourne hated us." chaser.com.au/entertainmen...

Chris Minns announces state funeral for Kyle and Jackie O Show

“We will all mourn the tragic loss of the show that was Sydney, so much so that Melbournians refused to listen.”
chaser.com.au/entertainmen...

Albanese offers Sandilands support, “Sorry to hear that Jackie O is being difficult”

Following backlash, Albanese claims he meant that Jackie O had a ‘difficult life’ having worked with Kyle
chaser.com.au/general-news...

Karl Stefanovic interviews ghost of Jeffrey Epstein

"At the end of the day, we're all just people." chaser.com.au/entertainmen...