Screenshot of a tweet by Pop Base (@PopBase) reporting that The Onion has successfully acquired Alex Jones' Infowars after 17 months of legal battles, with plans to turn it into a parody of itself with support from Sandy Hook families. The post includes a photo of a visibly distressed Alex Jones and the new rainbow-colored Infowars logo.
Karma is a betch, Alex Jones.
mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes
me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace
I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.
A person dressed as the character from Where’s Waldo (Wally) steps in front of a bus.
Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps pictures of the mangled corpse. Several yards away, a uniformed officer is vomiting on the sidewalk. An unmarked sedan pulls up, and a detective emerges. Staring down at the body, he slowly removes his sunglasses and whispers, “Found him.”
It feels like Americans would care more about the war if 20% of the world’s Kit Kats passed through the Strait of Hormuz.
Musk’s Wealth
2012: $2 billion
2026: $827.2 billion
Bezos’ Wealth
2012: $18.4 billion
2026: $222.7 billion
Zuckerberg’s Wealth
2012: $17.5 billion
2026: $204.2 billion
Federal Minimum Wage
2012: $7.25
2026: $7.25
Three words: tax the rich.
timeline cleanse (sound up)
They say that dogs are man's best friend... leaving me to wonder if dogs didn't come up short in the deal.
anytime i eat bbq i will get cabbage on my clothes, it’s murphy slaw
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren't kidding about that permanent record thing.
Grew up with 4 male siblings but not one funk soul brother.
springing out of bed this morning like a busted slinky with kinks in places they shouldn't be
mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son
It's Friday, damnit! Don't just settle for any dessert. You gotta fight for your right to parfait!
Your gender is none of the government's fucking business.
The best Twitter riposte of the day is a community note.
me: *makes an easy one pot meal*
also me: *still dirties a Dutch oven, large skillet, sauce pan, colander, tongs, two spatulas and three knives and spills something all over the cooktop*
Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
A smiling guinea pig.
me: did you see a pill on the floor?
wife: no, why?
me: i dropped a xanax
wife: you want me to help you look?
me: i'm sure it'll turn up
JUSTIFIED “FUCK ICE” CHANTS #AEWDynamite
Maybe today will be the day
USA takes gold + bronze in Bobsled,,, congratz Elana Meyers Taylor and Kaillie Humphries on their medals. What incredible athletes + MOTHERS. We would be no one without our moms and they go outs there proving to be some of the best,!!
I can’t believe I gets to be a small part of something so big,!!
So, apparently the folks upset that they couldn’t understand Bad Bunny’s lyrics really like these:
Welp, I caught woke again.
I don't know why the halftime show was controversial, it was really fun.
Now that we know staffers can write the President's Truth Social posts should we still treat them as official law?
Never give up.
There comes a point when lying feels like swallowing a sharp-edged rock.
Republicans, Alex Pretti should be your breaking point. Time to spit out that rock.
My column, and a call for help from any of good conscience:
www.usatoday.com/story/opinio...
Klobuchar: "Somehow 50,000 peaceful protesters in 10 below weather were able to march without any problems, and then the next day half a dozen ICE and CBP agents couldn't handle a guy with a cell phone taking video of them and shot him. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here."
