ME: I'd like to buy an onion ring

CLERK: Ok, here you go

{later...}

ME *on one knee*: Will you marry me?

ONION: OMG this is so sudden!

I'm available tax-free

I think they also did murders there

REPORTER: What surprised you most about the Strait of Hormuz?

TRUMP: It's actually crooked. Nobody knew that.

ME: Did you know that koalas have fingerprints almost identical to humans?

COP: We also have footage of you crawling through the window.

GIRLFRIEND: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Happy Tartan Day and best wishes to all of the Scottish Clans, except of course for the despised Sawney Bean Clan! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!

[33 A.D. Roman Province]

PREFECT: How's business?

PONTIUS: Well prophets are down.

PREFECT: That's great.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey.

RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

[Jerusalem]

MARY: They've taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What's Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—

[blind date]

HER: I hate woke people

ME {trying to impress her}: zzzzz

Is that a basketball under your shirt or were you happy to see me nine months ago?

Ironically, the man who discovered copper, a Neolithic human who lived over 10,000 years ago (around 9000 BCE) in Southeast Anatolia, died penniless.

REPORTER: What surprised you most about the Strait of Hormuz?

TRUMP: It's actually crooked. Nobody knew that.

Bitcoin was invented by Irish funeral director, Crypt O'Currency.

Did it work?

If you soak your DNA in whiskey before testing, you'll be able to wear a "Kiss me I'm Irish" t-shirt on Saint Patrick's Day.

Happy Pi Day to the northern hemisphere!! (Happy Cake Day to our Australian friends!)

That's Ryan Goose

Typical that they would remove an hour from International Women's Day.

There's that old joke 'how do porcupines kiss?'.. "very carefully"..ha ha ha. But it's true. Porcupines are afraid of commitment.

I'm just going to take a large gulp of coffee and check in on how the Board of Peace is working out...

Baba O'Riley is my favorite song about Irish sheep.

[blind date]

HER: I love Vivaldi's Four Seasons

ME {trying to impress her}: Yeah, I hope he does a fifth one

Didn't she steal your spot in The Princess Diaries?

I tried to figure out how many people were in prison, but I couldn't get a con census.

What are you? Some kind of PV=nRT ??!

I get it. I tried to swipe left on your Bluesky profile.

Don't mix.