this is just to say

I have stolen
the oil
that was in
your country

and which
you were probably
hoping
to keep

forgive me
it was a distraction
from those MRIs
and so many epstein files

I've never juggled one-handed unless you count the multiple times I almost dropped my phone into a toilet.

Any book can be a coloring book if you don't give a fuck.

My tombstone will read, “never wished someone happy birthday on LinkedIn.”

Honored and humbled to have received an “excellent choice, sir” from the waiter after ordering. #blessed

Pope Leo XIV: keeping Roman numerals alive like a Super Bowl.

Cardinal Pizzaballa can still win if Mike Pence has the courage.

133 cardinals vs one job opening

Y'all know you don't need a holiday to eat tacos, right?

May the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift be with you.

Every gorilla remembers Harambe. Who do 100 people have to avenge? Mario from Donkey Kong? Nah, the gorilla wins every time.

Too soon, God.

Luke Skywalker and R2 D2 in the Dagobah Swamp, Yoda's home.

"To god's country get me."

No one hates that first Daylight Saving Time morning as much as Flavor Flav.

Writing from a farm upstate. Your childhood dog is here and saying they’re fine.

No two New Yorkers can agree on where the best slice of pizza is or where “upstate” begins.

Adrien Brody’s speech needed a 15-minute intermission too.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"Here are the motherf*cking nominations for motherf*cking achievement in motherf*cking documentaries." — Samuel L Jackson

I deserve an acting Oscar for pretending I'm not super pissed off that The Wild Robot didn't get nominated for a best picture Oscar.

Reporters on the red carpet use the word "ravishing" like it's illegal to use that word any other day of the year.

#oscars

We should make Valentine’s Day more like Easter: give out chocolate but make them hunt for it.

364 days until we willingly watch commercials again.

"Yeah, it’s kinda like the World Cup final.
No, only one country is in it.
Nah, not everyone there watches.
Actually, stores do stay open during it.
Nope, every single year.
Yup, 70 or so commercials.
Yes, two of them are about Jesus."

How I explain the Super Bowl to other foreigners.

Will I understand Super Bowl LIX if I haven’t seen the other LVIII?

Guys, if there’s really a clairvoyant groundhog out there then we're squandering its powers asking it about the length of winter. Ask him better stuff!

78% of designing a logo is trying to avoid it looking like a penis.

Turbulence? Nah. My plane prayers take place when there’s still an empty seat next to me while the passengers are boarding.