painting of dogs playing balatro

Laura Loomer tweets: WOKE MARXIST POPE

my vet, who's hard of hearing: can you repeat your cat's name

me:

Bent down to tie my shoe this morning, and my lower back played the opening notes of a jazz solo.

Skype shutting down feels less like the end of an era and more like cleaning out a junk drawer and finding your old ICQ number written on a post-it. Useless, but weirdly sentimental.

The revolution will be rationed to two dolls per child.

*gets injured doing the family reunion trust fall*

48% of being an adult is unsubscribing from emails.

One minute Bill Kurtis is narrating a double homicide. The next, he’s awarding points for puns on NPR. No notes.

Something heavy just hit the floor upstairs, either gravity’s getting stronger or our neighbor’s testing the limits of structural integrity.

when can i buy ozempic gummies over the counter

You’re never too old to pretend to learn.

Never realized how often I let my dog sniff items I’m holding just because I want him to feel included.

A business woman in a grey skirt suit, pointing a rifle at a boxy 90s PC

trying to switch off the AI bloatware that has been pinned to the top of every single menu in every single app

Babe stop crashing out, you’re acting like this this is your first total economic collapse

Nothing like spending a peaceful Sunday catching up on Nexpo videos and reminding myself that the internet is a cursed labyrinth of existential dread. Perfect way to recharge for the week.

Life’s overwhelming, but a burger and fries never asks questions.

Going to bed felt productive until I found a pool cleaning video. Now I’m rooting for algae to lose.

Wtf happened? Why?!

Started with psych-punk anthems but became a bluegrass Nickelback cover band after “the incident”.

Collective mood.

Thank god its friday, amirite?

Was going about my day when my body suddenly remembered pollen exists. Seasonal allergies staging their annual coup.

This is all a bit too much for a Monday morning

I'm sorry I was so weird the other night that's how I am every night

Fembots from Austin Powers have taken over Bluesky. If only there were an international man of mystery to save us.

You have a new follower

America's democracy:

*thinks outside the box*

*dies from exposure*