*Jonny Greenwood entering a barber shop*

“No”

One of my buddies said that he was concerned about my recent behavior

And like. This is the guy in high school we would pay $5 if he ate a bug off the floor. And he would!

So this isn’t a great look for me…

There was this dude named Honeré de Balzac (which is just absurdly hilarious) and he was this French writer

And what isn’t hilarious, but extremely strange is that he died by drinking too much coffee

Like gallons a day

Yeah that’s a real thing

But yeah “de Balzac”. Friggin classic move bro

I mean I guess like assuming Occam’s Razor philosophy would lead me to predict there is a sale on wheelbarrows somewhere around here? But I’m not entirely sure

I feel like I might be living in some sort of an extra-existential life because I just saw 2 adult humans independently dragging wheelbarrows with nothing in them. It would be weird enough to see 1, but 2? Over the course of 5 minutes?? What the…

That’s where you are sent if you completely botched your job. Essentially, if you are sent to The White Room, your career is over

You can get out of it, but it ain’t easy

So there is this extremely strange thing about acting, where there is a Green Room, and that’s where you get hyped up ready to excel before stage

And then there is the White Room.
And you don’t want to go to the White Room

Man I just got crazy stoned and have you ever listened to a Phish album backwards?

Fucken awful.

Red Bull, “and then we are just going to throw random people out of airplanes”

Everyone (apparently), “Got it. Let’s do this!”

I don’t understand Red Bull because they were like, “okay so we made this drink and it’s terrible”

Everyone on earth, “go on…”

Red Bull, “yeah it’s literally made out of cow semen”

Everyone, “ok so *now* you’ve got my attention…”

So I decided to watch Toy Story 3 last night. I thought it would be a fun little jaunt.

It turns out, it is the most fuct out movie ever made. I cannot believe this is considered to be a kids movie

If you want to ever watch the most intense movie ever made, yep. Get ready.

It’s sort of funny to me that WWI was called ‘The Great War’

So you basically had to dig ditches all day and die of Swine Flu? And every once in a while you get shot? What is so great about that?

Doesn’t sound very great at all. Kinda sounds awful tbh

What’s up with ghosts anyways? Like, do they have a plan or something?

Why would you be like, “well, you live in a place I lived in 200 years ago”

Okay, great? Do you want like an Academy Award or something?

Congratulations, you were once alive. Good work, brah

There was this strange time period where guys would go on dating apps holding fish.

Like, where did that even come from?

Are ladies supposed to dig on you because you figured out how to hunt in a lake full of animals that literally can’t go anywhere?

Cool, bro

Dude, what is the story with whales?

They just like swim from Los Angeles to Sydney and they are like, okay everything is fine

Guy, you just swam literally half across the planet earth and everything is fine??

What’s going on here?

Why do ghosts wear clothes?

I mean I appreciate that they do but like could you imagine being like, “ugh, I’m 400 years old, gotta put on a shirt today”

Salvador Dalí died in 1989 which means he may have listened to New Kids on the Block

Understandable

Australia is an incredible country to me. Aussies are tough as nails.

They had a Prime Minister, Harold Holt, who decided to go swimming one day and just disappeared. Like never found ever again

Can you imagine a country’s leader just *disappearing* one day?? That could never happen. But it did

Surprisingly enough, I actually *did* have a Chimpanzee Civil War on my 2026 Bingo card…

x.com/nypost/statu...

Where in Massachusetts are the most winning lottery tickets sold? These are the lucky lottery dealers that sold the most winning tickets worth $1 million or more in recent years.

But the issue is that it just keeps happening over and over. Like this makes no sense
[wcvb\.com/article/where\-in\-m…](www.wcvb.com/article/wher...)

New York Post on X: "California lottery accidentally releases $12M winner's address: 'This has never happened' https://t.co/yaW6UBPX52 https://t.co/fk4ZuGL0yH" / X California lottery accidentally releases $12M winner's address: 'This has never happened' https://t.co/yaW6UBPX52 https://t.co/fk4ZuGL0yH

I am not a conspiracy theory guy by any stretch, but I heard one, that says The Lottery is a legal way to pay out spies.
And I never really thought about it too much, but…

Got pretty drunk last night and fell asleep with Michael Jackson playing on my phone on repeat and I’m not quite sure how to turn it off

But, I won’t stop til I get enough.

Something that is sort of hilarious about the USA is that alcohol can never be technically illegal due to the 18th and subsequently 21st Amendments of the Constitution

So anyways, “WOOO, GO LOCAL SPORTING FRANCHISE TEAM! THAT’S PROBABLY WHY WE BEAT OTHER CITIES NEARLY HALF THE TIME! WOOO!!!”

Hey Science -

Eggs and farts sort of smell the same but one is delicious and one is disgusting

EXPLAIN THAT

Hey guys, just so you know -

I kind of inadvertently stole 12 tons of Kit Kat bars. Weird story.

Sorry about that

Just whatever

If the cops ask just say you don’t anything

(Also, Eric, if you are in here, we are all going to Marty’s after the movie)

I have never heard this before and now I am a better person after hearing that

Fucken Nelson Muntz…

Burger King Left Handed Whopper April Fool’s Joke

I’m still recovering from The Left-Handed Whopper fiasco

Everyone knows about The Great Wall of China, but do they also have like a Pretty Good Wall or like a Mediocre Wall?

I kind of get the feeling that every day has been April Fool’s Day since like 2016