watching old streams...i miss the soundboard era of drawfee

I really wish I had a hopeful thing to say at the end, that's usually what I do, on principle. But sometimes that's just it. There's no simple or immediate answer to this. Just time passing eventually giving me a conclusion, but I don't know it yet.

Especially when you've tried so many things to get better, and you did get better for a while. I'm definitely not as bad off as I was before, but in some ways I feel even worse off, because I know deep inside, I'm gonna live, I'm left with this mess and I'll have to deal with it.

and it's incredibly heart breaking. This whole time you wanted to prove your past self wrong or to make it out to them, living your life you wanted to get rid of, being happy...only for reality to hit and thinking, how NAIVE you were for finally having dreams.

and of course, recovery being a rocky road, the structure you're trying to build on top of that horrible foundation may collapse at any time and you find yourself wishing you were dead again

and sure enough. When I reached the moment I could genuinely say "I don't want to die anymore" I was faced with all the consequences of neglecting my life and my future my entire adolescence, as well as depression stunting my brain development.

we don't talk enough about what recovery means for ppl who were suicidal for a long of time, self-sabotaging their life, actively making it easier to throw away and harder to reclaim. I remember being scared of treatment because it would mean caring for the life I ruined and having to fix it

being told to fight for a life that you explicitly can't stand anymore in my experience did not make things better. I can't rly talk abt what "works" because it's much more complicated, but I don't think its even possible when you have literally nothing to look forward to.

"you don't even want to get better" yeah lowkey depression does that to you

Confession is such a good song and we've got the mizuenas never kill yourself

thanks! I've been a fan since around 2010, they're very precious to me and I've been doing fanart ever since :'D

a clip studio paint program screenshot of a sketchy, colored drawing featuring rin going in for a hug from miku

fighting the fear of posting random doodles with mikurin

my biggest problem however is that i got too used to second-monitor activity. And I don't know enough of japanese to do that

I'm not stopping myself much because i think it's better to do that than not watch any. Even forcing myself to finish smth feels dependent on the circumstances and thinking "i would have more fun watching this rn" would not be good

i already apologized to my friends for the person I'll become when we watch witch hat atelier together. I'm not ready

i think*

sometimes i got "my attention span is not that bad" and then get distracted in the middle of ep 1 of a new anime i started because i didn't feel like watching the other ones i already started and not finish that ep

im out there watching 1 ep per anime

新人设和衣服真丑得没眼看。
幻想一下………
枪兵的浪漫就是紧身衣！

such a delight every time i see your OW fanart. I wanna tattoo it on my eyelids

Oops #outerwilds #outerwildsfanart

HAPPY MIKU DAY
#初音ミク

told hachiware my jury duty was postponed

marrying a friend in ESO (EU, gmt time)

never get fooled thinking you fixed your sleep schedule the first day you woke up at the right time.

i thought i figured it all out already when i realised i can excercise with weights while watching anime, because i don't like to just sit there but i gotta read subs. But I ended up procrastinating all the same.

I've been battling the cold in my apartment thru candles and an electric space heater, but its not fast enough so i....started watching a play of the boxing game with miku? to heat up and help with my circulation. Now my arms hurt.

employers act like they can treat you like dirt because you're "desperate" while the employees are lying anyway because what do you say to that.

as well as at my last job when my contract was expiring and they thought they can move me from my sector, two weeks after they moved me to another shift, PROMISING ME they will extend the contract, only to leave me without options, asking me the same thing. It's so patronizing.

Important context for this is that after I went thru all that they asked me to (medical tests on top of more medical tests, visiting their place to get documents, filling out my data ONLINE, TWICE cause of some problem on THEIR PART) They basically ghosted me. And I let another job go cause of this