So far my reactions to my chemo meds have been very mild. So far.

I should be happy. But I keep looking at the news. This is all just messed up.

Well, finally got my chemo meds and start this weekend. I’ve been given next week off. Relieved to finally get started, grateful it’s free through a program, nervous about side effects.

Really real now. I need the side effects to be manageable. Need to keep working. Hope and pray.

Not much has changed in two weeks. Actually, it’s worse. Lost another cat. Still haven’t started chemo. This week sucks.

Weather is windy and quickly getting cold. All perfect excuses to stay inside and avoid reality today.

I really am trying to be here more but honestly this week has sucked. Lost my car, lost a cat, and more delays on starting my chemo.

I’m kinda glad we might be getting icy weather this Sunday. I’m gonna stay home, stay in my pjs, and nope the day away. With treats.

Pic of sofa with soft grey fabric cover, orange cat curled up on it next to a light colored throw pillow with pink and grey streaks

I’m going to enjoy a cheat meal before food becomes a problem to solve. I’m just gonna do on one thing at a time.

Cat tax. I got the sofa cleaned up and covered. Old cat loves it!

But I still control my attitude. Will see if it holds when it gets scarier but I’m gonna stick with it as much as possible. It’s mine, and it’s staying mine.

Today? I will be super calm. I get to see my bestie who is town for work.

It is all a lot to juggle mentally. Somehow, I’m still weirdly calm. I’m starting to think it’s not just because I’ve learned to be that way. I’m GenX and I do kinda have that ‘been there, don’t care’ attitude.

No, I think it’s more about control. Cancer means losing control over a lot of things.

I might get it or I might be part of the control group. Since one of the spots is in my spine I’m kinda hoping I do get in the treatment group. If it does prove to stop more spread or damage, that could prevent some later problems.

Because there are spots in two areas of my bones but I’m not experiencing any pain (yet) my doc thought I’d be a good candidate for a trial. Normally, for my stage of cancer, radiation might come later. This is to see if doing it early can help. It would be a short treatment and low dose.

It also includes some more consultations. Have to see a pulmonologist and a dentist. There’s a spot on my lung and the dentist is to see about risk of what chemo might do to my teeth. I’m dreading the dentist. I’m also already joining a clinical trial.

That work means continuing with the cleaning and decluttering. I still have about 2-3 weeks, tentatively, before I start chemo. Waiting to hear if I get approved for the discount program. It’s going slower than I’d like. Cleaning is a good distraction. Decluttering will make cleaning easier.

Many have none of that. I hate that. So I share. I prefer kindness to fight hateful stuff.

Yes, things could get worse for me. I’m also starting to prepare for that. At the same time, I’m going to keep working for things to get better, or at least be enough. I’m happy with enough.

The rest will help towards tiny payments on all these medical bills coming in. Still pursuing every bit of assistance I can get but haven’t heard back yet or still applying.

Why would I still share some of my extra? Because a ton of people have it way worse. I have resources, options, and support.

Almost forgot a bill, and almost overpaid a bill. Had to rejigger the budget. Not ideal, but the bills will get paid and there will be a bit extra.

That extra will have to be split. I can share a very little and I can get a few cancer care items I’ll need.

I’m not going to stop him. Honestly, I could easily lose both this year. Or even this month. I’ll keep doing what I can for them. As long as they need.

It’s a constant balancing act. I’ve still got the other cats, the outside cats, and my own stuff to figure out.

My tortie baby is … well, struggling but stubbornly staying. It’s kidney failure. She still doesn’t feel well but she’s eating very slightly better. Up or down is still a question. I’ll keep pampering and watching.

She’s not even my oldest. The orange old man is sometimes enjoying her leftovers.

A few days off socials and now sorta catching up. So this will be a bit rambly. I’m starting to not mind my new weird sleep schedule. Fall asleep around 10ish. Wake up around 4ish. Grab a coffee and sit with cats and socials. Think, scroll, read, purrs, vibes.

I spend more time on Threads. Trying to be more present here.

But thank you. I know you know what illness and pain are like. I hope I can keep this attitude.

I’m dealing. It could be worse. Honestly, I’m just not freaked out about it. I’ve got the cats and family support to keep me grounded.

Selfie of me on the left, in a teal colored cat themed tshirt, sitting at my desk, with a grey cat leaning in from the right looking at the camera

Happy Meowentine’s? I guess. Getting kitty lovins at work. Good distraction. Trying not to get into a tizzy about chemo starting soon. I’m praying the side effects are manageable. I NEED to keep working.

It’s working with cats. Of course I’d want to!

Hope y’all getting snuggles. Or a gentle day.

My most irrelevant thought? I wanted to cheat on my diet and crash out at my favorite Chinese buffet. I opted for a few slices of my favorite pizza. I mean, today I fit in my skinny jeans!

I also bought lottery tickets. Why not?

Welp.

Test results are back. It’s Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. Treatment plans are changing. It will, apparently, be handled as a chronic condition to be managed. Shifting gears on stuff. More to learn. I’ve had time to process but I’m going to take a lil more.

Sign of the times? I’m more worried about the costs than I am about the actual cancer. Screw this broken country.

Pic of me sitting in chair, reading glasses on, trying to drink coffee but having to turn my head away from the fluffy, cream colored cat sitting on my chest. Coffee cup is cat themed and says “I only speak to the cat before coffee”.

But it will snow and be bitterly cold. I’ll get to test my new winter shoes.

I said the cats were getting extra demanding for snuggles? New skill unlocked since they’re even interrupting coffee time.

For some reason my body has decided I will fall asleep around 10ish and randomly wake up around 3. I’ll try to go back to sleep but then give up. I’ll get some coffee and doom scroll a bit or overthink stuff and pray.

Checking forecasts to see what this winter storm will do and none of them match.

Some good news I guess. My tax refunds will almost be enough for the car repair I need done. Add what I have on that place’s credit card and it should be just enough. One less worry.

Next appt is Friday. When it’s supposed to snow. Wee. At least the cats are being extra cuddly. Sorry, no cat tax.

Same. 🤨

Still mostly calm. Okayish? I dunno, I’m just not panicking. I know it’s gonna get hard. Guess we will see how well I keep this attitude.

Am a bit worried about chemo or radiation. Mom had horrible response. Will I be the same? I hope this mental prep helps.

No probs. I’m still telling folks and processing. And I know everyone else has things. Good vibes and prayers are enough.