A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

It's not that "I don't get it'. Much more like "I don't give a shit'

In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.

I got kicked out of the hospital last night. Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

I tell my dog she's the best dog in the whole world, even though I know there are better dogs out there, because I'm not a damn monster.

May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee!"

When scientists said the Universe is
made up of protons, neutrons
and electrons, they forgot to
mention morons.

Differences: Most women would not have sex with a stranger for a million dollars, most men would be thrilled with half of a bologna sandwich.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it sure as shit can muffle the sound.

Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a creepy peeping Tom..Not me though, I live beside two smokin hot Lesbians with no curtains.

I hope celebrities begin to tell me who to vote for soon...I'm so lost without their wisdom.

I was bitten by recluse spider and now I have antisocial superpowers.

I grew up under the threat of nuclear war. Forgive me if I can't muster the appropriate terror at the prospect of gluten in my sandwich.

Confession time - I once seriously contemplated remarrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'd figure out that I'm just after my money.

My dog ate a condom this morning...Try explaining that to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his ass!

I don't hug for comfort, I do it to get closer to your awesome rack!

My family had the nerve to question my manhood the other day. As soon as I wash this vanilla body wash off in my sea salt bath with scented candles then we will be having a talk as we sip a Zima and show them just how manly I can be.

I just used "volumizing" shampoo for the first time....

Everything sounds the same.

Legend has it that there was once a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him. Hard to believe, but true.

Ladies, if you ask me to hold your purse in public, get ready to see a guy who looks like he's handling his first dirty diaper.

There's no such thing as ghosts. You have a shitty, broken house.

The main difference between pessimism and optimism is that a pessimistic man thinks all women are bad, and an optimistic man hopes they are.

Guns don't kill people. But my neighbor Kenneth, who gives names to all of his pillows, probably does.

The appearance of my bed makes me think some UFC-type of crap went down between me and my comforter last night.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?
Obviously, I was thinking I was going get away with it and not have to explain it.

On another note...I tuck my t-shirt into my shorts so the ladies have a tougher time ripping it off in a fit of animal attraction. Yeah, that's how I roll. #chickmagnet

I can spot a homophobe from across the room when he chooses to eat his corndog with a fork.

Video may have killed the radio star. But it also gave us amateur porn, so I'm kinda willing to forgive.