Hold the dressing

This made me lol

If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef

We’ve been getting gaslit by big grammar

Plot twist: we met standing in the aisle, our fingers touching as we reached for the same book

I’ve never bought clothes at Costco so I’m down!

[Phone chimes]

Wife: who's that?

Me: (hiding promo push notification from McDonald's) just a friend

👊🏻

The five stages of grief but it's just me realizing I have to leave my house

This email could’ve been an underwhelming pizza party.

I have a membership!

craves and hates routine

Better yet, why don’t we just video chat all day?

I would have killed to see your moves. I’m rusty so I would have just tripped and fallen down

Tuesday is the sequel to Monday but with an R rating and 100% more profanity.

i'm like if my dad had a daughter

Wow that's so rude honestly. Hopefully you didn't spill any of that precious coffee

If Monday is the villain Tuesday is the henchman

Yes. And the other third was entrances. It was ridiculous

Night two was better than night one but it was still mid. The matches were too short. The entrances were too long. The match I liked the most was the ladder match for the intercontinental championship

You got this girl 🩷✨

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

sure sex is great but have you ever told someone how you actually feel

Having a crush is so fun, It's literally just butterflies & delusion.

omg cutie 😍

And I fuck up some Taco Bell every time

The world may never know

Life really is that simple

Oh no, I’m starting to feel those feelings again 🦋🩷✨

Jk it’s just indigestion

Rom coms, snacks, blankets and pillows! Sign me up!