it never ends well for the horse sex people and we've known this since 2005 but society refuses to learn

my friend: are you going to art's party tonight? seems like you've got a lot going on

me: I don't know, i feel like i got to since he's always at mine

the medieval peasant i brought to our time on his second bag of guacamole doritos: might we stop for a second "jimmied john"

me: sure man i guess

Madonna is a pop star at a music show it’s a bit different than a grown ass adult in a children’s play place Rosie

At Coachella or in a ball pit?

You can get a staph infection at any age

The Scandinavians really know how to live

If Justin Trudeau can go to Coachella at 54 then I should be allowed to use the IKEA ball pit at 35. It’s simply the law of mathematics

im a poet

Thinking about how, for a cow, a bikini top & a bikini bottom are basically the same thing

Train was 20+ minutes late and as everyone filed in, the conductor was yelling “no shoving, everyone be nice! Everyone please be nice!” Guess what country I live in

Congratulations!!!

A sign reads "Please wait patiently for the failure of the system" with Chinese characters above.

our patience has been rewarded

Well now I need this too!

thinking about transmuting my belief in the resiliency of institutions into uncritical hero worship of a specific dude. might sublimate my entire political ideology into the whims of some guy

Maybe an acceptable excuse in 2012! But now? With Etsy resellers and disintegrating Shein scraps filling the Value Village racks?? With second hand Selkie selling on depop at MAYBE a 15% discount on the ticket price????

Character: ugh the closet I rent in a shared basement apartment has cockroaches. Which would be manageable but they've joined with the rats and unionized.

Me: Bitch you are wearing a 300 dollar sweater

Working retail can really make you incapable of enjoying sitcoms. I've seen too many canonically broke characters wearing 3 new Anthropologie dresses every week

Oh to be clear you will not have the power to answer ALL the emails. We never made such a wild claim

[the inventor of ADHD meds making their pitch] ok imagine: methamphetamine!! that you take so you can answer emails

meme of Bilbo Baggins wanting to keep the ring

When the kitchen in your shared workplace has a really good spoon

Famous image of Caroline Bassette and John Kennedy yelling at each other at a park in NYC

30 years ago today

when I was 15 I met my friend’s mom and I said “wow you look like that lady… the one who got into a screaming fight at the park” because that had been my primary childhood exposure to Caroline Bassette Kennedy. Kelsey’s mom did not realize it was a nice compliment

HER: *puts cherry in mouth and seductively pulls out stem perfectly tied into a knot*

ME: *puts hand in box of Bugles and seductively pulls out bugles perfectly balanced on each finger*

really starting to understand why that old woman left it all behind to go live in a shoe

[on my deathbed] I should have… I should have posted more. I had- [coughs] I had so many takes

This is the wholesome family content I come to this website for

Porn guy: anybody order a pizza? Extra large pepperoni sausage? *tears off shirt to reveal the biggest reddest areolas you’ve ever seen*

the barber does not own your hair. you are well within your rights to take all the clippings with you when you leave

Guess I'm just built different (vestigial tail)