you can't be serious hahaha

bluesky is the most portland fucking online experience of all time. "talking shit about crypto & nft hurts sex workers", "the word idiot is ableism!", "blurring nudes is like the holocaust!", "bluesky elders deserve your deference!"...this place is just digitized portland.

Help! I just joined Bluesky yesterday and now I am being hunted by the bluesky elders! They have tapped my phones, and put a tracking device on my car. I was taking a shit in Panera and one of them was peeking through the crack in the door. If I stop posting, please tell my family I love them.

bluesky elder

No GPMs captured either (groans per minute)

Should I call the Guinness Record people? Alert them of the situation?

The people there look like this

Not much has changed since 1922 for people without healthcare.

Indiana Jones and the Dildo of Antiquity

Overheard on bluesky: "this sumbitch is really skeeting his heart out, tonight"

Hey do you think OJ Simpson is able to buy himself a pair of gloves anymore, or does he have to have someone do it for him?

Hey! That cock is... My wife! 😤

Fred from accounting on the 95th floor had just eaten leftover pasta Alfredo from last night's dinner at the Olive garden.

Just imagine: there was at least one person in the twin towers on 9/11 whose last meal was Applebee's.

Once my friends told me to "shoot my shot" with a girl, and I did and I missed completely and killed a nun.

(not too scale; it was much larger irl of course)

It's human Kool aid.

Oops! All cerebrospinal fluid!

This is the funniest question I’ve ever seen earnestly asked

Dealing with a sugar spike literally as I type this after eating exactly 7 pita chips. I am going to murder this man with my bare hands.

Augustus Gloop

folks, i am gloop-posting

Is this augustus gloop?

Augustus gloop toy with a toy turd

Weird that the Augustus gloop toy from the depp Wonka comes with the last turd he ever made before dying in the factory

Jack Twitter is outing me as secretly italian.

Lord, I've seen what you've done for others

The AI is out to get me. I told my therapist, but she wouldn't listen.

I make no sense most of the time so this is fair

He's the scatman

Quiet! This man may hit a ball very far!

Calling a black guy smelly in the interest of racial justice is a pitch perfect example of what I meant when I said that this app has big time Portland vibes