I walked in that day and wafted out with fresh chicken
Oooohhhjoy

I'm changing my goal slightly from "Going Viral" to Patient Zero.
Make your mark on history.

My cover letter read:
I am potty trained, I do not require a leash, my butt sniffing days are behind me, and I learned how to Shake Hands.

I held that job for 3 ½ years before I had to retire

I brought a large bottle of horseradish mustard home instead of the smaller one. Boyfriendwas smiling, stumbling on finding the right words.
'I'm sexy?'
"YES!"

I had internet and dishwasher, tons of takeout menus taped to the wall behind my front door. I referred a friend to my community. He returned home once to find several 50, weapons drawn on his nextdoor neighbor for assault. She stabbed the guy. I fucking loved that place. Endless possibilities.

I 🖤d my apartment. I didn't mind people shooting up heroin in the laundromat bathroom arnd the corner. Get home to the coroner van because they finally figured out where that smell was coming from. Return home to news vans & flood lights. pm news on to find there was a meth lab next to the complex.

He's got this expression of happiness that is completely inappropriate.
Thank you, Mr. Franklin, we'll see if we can't give him a little character, a little depth.
Depth? Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you can't give him any character or depth.
People have
to recognize him.

"Is there spice in the mac and cheese?"
"It's a secret."
"Pretty sure there's spice."
"It's buffalo wing sauce."
"The recipe said to use buffalo wing sauce???"
"What recipe?"
"Why would you do that?!"
"Hey if it were just me and him (her father) there'd be twice as much in there."

Our youngest child has a neon orange mohawk. They say "can't pass for straight now".
"Hey, if I can pass for straight, and your Da can pass for straight, then...Yeaaaah"

-2020

All DST on and off does is upset Tommy Gargoyle. He tried to get me up "an hour early" for first breakfast, and doesn't understand why I was "torturing" him.

The customers that ask me to just shoot them please, I tell that we only do that Saturdays between 2 and 4 pm, by appointment only and it's extra.

Tommy🐈‍⬛ is in a really great mood.

Get fucked and go back to bed, dude.🦖

This cat is the reason I cannot afford cocaine.

Yep. 2016: "I put my cat's foot in my mouth three times and kept huffing hot air all around his paw. Doesn't even care. Just watched me. Never pulled away. He's not even catting."

But every piece of furniture was chosen for its inability to tip under force.

My bub was also a parkour blur.

"What are you doing in there?"
- Going through the brain
"what?"
- THE BRAINS... getting the seeds out of it.
"Pumpkins don't have brains"
- Yes they do; HE HAD A FACE

This moment brought to you by DayQuil.

This is the most garbaged out he was, but Tommy Gargoyle has many other photos. The guinea pigs chewed off his whiskers on one side. That photo could exist 🤷

I must be a robot. No wonder I am amazed by all these things I already knew.

I like that my cat always loves a long nap in a clean pig pen with the guinea pigs around him doing their own thing.

Maybe if you want us all in church you can stand up for those that get gun violence there as well.

He expects me to yell at least twice when he's on the counter. He expects me to threaten him with the water bottle. He hops down. What he doesn't expect is for me to give chase across the house, spraying him down the entire way, until he flees to the basement.
ha HAAAAA! AAAAASSSSSSHOOOOLEEE!!!!!!!

I was asked if cats were in fact, Assholes. I told them that sometimes when the girls go in the litter box, my youngest male will stand just out front and stare at them, and then refuse to let them out.

Steve is in the garden being dramatic.

Release the Epstein Files

Susan, I hope I look as good as you at 102!

Targeted ads don't always have things figured out.
"lose 15 lbs in the first month"
huh uh. nope. that's no fun at all. pass. hard pass.
*eats my grilled cheese sandwich*
I go low and slow like Crockpot.

When you get stuck arguing and want to end the argument, say "touch my butt. You know you wanna."

So much negativity. It's everywhere. It's at home. It's on the internet. It's been in your head. Make the best of a bad situation. Make soup. Make someone laugh. Make your bed. Make it through your day.

Our fancier Smart toaster arrived after the old toaster busted, and three of us are really excited, going through the box and documentation. Then there is the teenager: "It's just a toaster."
"______, YOU NEED TO LEAVE."
"Yeah."
"Yeah man, just go. You're ruining it."