Had the Easter Bunny lay glow sticks this year because they're eighteen bucks for a hundred pack.

"with great love, sincerity, and affection" = "bless your heart" and you cannot change my mind.

Reached the age that cozy is my kink and my safe word is pockets.

Pickedupsomecoldbrewfromthegrocerystorebecauseitssupposedtocauselessheartburndidyouknowyouhavetoaddwatertothatyouguys?

Me, sharing video of twenty block protest.
Random dude: Not that big.
Me: That's what she said.

I feel this in my knee that aches when it rains.

I am going to a work event and I got this note about the dress code:

Wear New Balances

If my hoodie can't come I'm not going.

I feel like I am doing a whole lot of finding out for someone who did exactly none of the fucking around.

As for me and my house we'd rather be mentally ill.

The US needs a presidentier president.

Oh okay I get it now! This really IS the bad place.

This is my emotional support post 🤣

This is my emotional support post 🤣

#anglerfish

Duolingo: We killed our mascot!
Me: Why is that little fucker still mean muggin' me from the corner of my home screen then Duolingo?

The White House needs an adultier adult.

Your Mom was a DEI hire.

The signature cocktail for 2025 is extra strength Tums.

Mom: Wow Haley Joel Osment is so old!
Me, almost 45: He's 36 Mom.
Mom: And?
Me: He's almost ten years younger than me.
Mom: So?
Me: So what are you trying to say?
Mom: That you're old!

The NYT word of the day is cognizant and I just laughed so hard I hurt myself.

Despite what Smash Mouth says I don't actually like it when my world is on fire.

There's a planet with a day that's longer than its year and that makes more sense than anything happening in the US right now.

In a world where just anything can be said, it feels like the most sacred gift we can offer each other, is not to say just anything.

The fact that I literally made a meme of myself baking for my husband as the Swedish Chef pretty much sealed my fate on this one 😂

16yo: Mom, how do you say MAY-uh-NAZE?
Me: MAN-aze
16yo: Huh? Wait, what?!? Seriously?! Do that again!
Me: No.

My son sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog.

I'm not anyone at all, but one time in the lunch room people started reading funny parent tweets, and I can't even tell you if I was on the list they were reading, but I left that room so fast 😂

The bartender just very sweetly said to me, “If you are who I think you are, I just want you to know how much I appreciate your content.”

It’s too bad I was ordering a water 😆

My 7yo, handing me a watch at the store: Mom, can I have this?
Me: Sure, you want to be able to tell what time it is during the day Buddy?
Him: Is that ALL that it DOES?!?