Why wouldn’t they just spray tan his hands though?

If you’re not a fireman or a professional baseball player and have a mustache, that’s just stolen valor

I’d say my biggest weakness is thinking I can bring all of the grocery bags inside in one trip

Interviewer: um, and do you have a second biggest weakness?

Getting those little produce bags open

jesus: *takes the wheel*

the cheesemakers: sonofabitch

A kitchen gift that is hand wash only? In the year 2025? Are you insane?

"I'd pick your brains if the picking weren’t so slim,” says Zombie Oscar Wilde, but it’s just indistinct zombie moans to my ear.

A real cat grooming product that's a small tongue-shaped plastic thing that you put between your lips and use to "lick" your pet. It suggests you and the cat will enjoy this bonding experience. It is "Designed for kitty comfort".

My Phantom of the Opera mask origin story

There should be a way to protect mom but not her lazy boyfriend, Rick

[Ice Cube voice] No barking from the doggles, no smoggle, mama cooked a dinner with no gobble, even got a Walmart cart with no wobble

They should let the guy who named the post hole digger name more stuff

‘I did like 100 burpees today.’
Don’t you have any respect for yourself?

Typoed ‘just like I planed it,’ in the family group chat and they hit me with ‘ok, Osama Bin Laden.’

Food critics are wild. Bro, why are you bullying spaghetti?

Here’s hoping you can figure it out and it becomes your thing 🤞

I can’t be the only person to read this and immediately try (no luck)

[when I hear Huey Lewis’ The Power of Love anywhere I go]

This place has a real Back to the Future vibe going for it

damn jonathan taylor thomas save some first names for the rest of us

It’s been so long I know I used it but couldn’t remember why until reading the comments

I choose to pronounce quantumness in Hank Azaria’s voice from The Bird Cage when he says, ‘Are you afraid of my Guatamalaness?’

At least he’s working on something where he has relevant experience - dealing with Saudi Arabia.

A cartoon pic of a kangaroo with kind of dead eyes and its arms held out like a zombie—instead of a pouch on its stomach, I put Kramer from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles like he’s piloting the kangaroo exterior the same way he does that person suit thing on TMNT

KRANGAROO

[football coach who is also a shampoo salesman giving a halftime speech]

It’s bad right now, like dirty hair, but that’s when we get in the goddamn shower and we LATHER. And what do we do after we lather? That’s right, we rinse! And after we rinse what do we do? That’s right we goddamn REPEAT!

Coworker: " hows thats coffee"

Me *knowing full well its sunny D*: "good"

The kids Jesus went to school with must have been ruthless with the yo mama jokes

Unchecked free market capitalism is how we got salsa containers that won’t fit a tortilla chip

I wish I loved anything as much as my grandfather loved driving out of state to save a dollar on gas

Atlas Pop and Locked

Good news: you just remembered what you forgot to do this morning
Bad news: it was to put on deodorant

Anyone got that video (of Mitch McConnell falling down the stairs)?

Way too calm, Rabbit at Rest?