referring to my male friends as my coven of incubi

A centipede that's wearing super cute leggings

the kind of shrooms that make you realize you should have been a tree

Rockwell Painting man standing up

“My eyeline implies that the stage where the people I’m looking at is, like, 30 feet high.”

i just asked my cat “are you human or are you dancer” and he bit me

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

this morning, mamdani’s team got in touch with me to float a new tax proposal: if your net worth exceeds $5 million and you dress badly, you’ll be hit with a 10% annual levy for “visual pollution.” i would be in charge of deciding if the outfits are bad.

I never want to be a killjoy so I won't get in the way of people dancing in the streets when he drops dead but I think one reason everyone is so thirsty for it is we tacitly understand that to be the only consequence he'll ever face. Which sucks! There should be way more consequences

Not to me obvs

Calling it "the YouTubes"

Is there some sort of minimum occupancy days per year exemption? Just curious how this was implemented

Watch who this pisses off to find out who the real assholes are

I want to be an assassin for hire but I also want to work from home, dilemma

deli&cia food place

I'm at the deli. I'm at the central intelligence agency. I'm at the combination deli & cental intelligence agency.

My black dog Oscar.

I’m Oscar. I eat dandelions. Today I barked at a fly.

“How can I look like Clavicular?” be twenty. be 20 years old. he looks like that because he’s very young

This is all I have

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-co...

Pronouncing "lettuce" so it rhymes with "watusi"

Feels like playing Another One Bites the Dust in a doctor's waiting room is certainly a choice

Cats are great if you wanna see the contents of an animal's stomach without special equipment

You can literally lay down and die if you believe in yourself and you're willing to commit

*Stockholm Syndrome voice* I love computers!

A picture of an orange tabby slumbering on a plush teal blanket and stretching one arm out towards the camera, his eyes are closed and he is happy. This dapper 15 year-old gentleman sends you peace.

thecutestcatintheworld.jpg

It’s not my fault your grandma’s bad at karate

"Don’t be silly", no I think I will be, thanks.

The first guy to say “whoa buddy, where’s the fire?” must’ve been the coolest blind firefighter

Take me with you

My jaw has been clenched for 50 years.

Don’t need my lover to put me on a pedestal. I need them to put me on a toadstool so that I may enjoy the fruits of my fairy kingdom