Eli: "I've just looked here online on the Guardian, pornographic audio is podcasting's hottest new trend"
Paul: "We'll get on that then"
Eli: "We could do that"
Paul: "Watch me, stick me fingers in ya aaarsehole"
371 - Sauce Of The Gladiators
Paul: "Ooh the fun we have on CheapShow. Tell your friends!"
Eli: "Spread your bum cheeks"
Paul: "Right, thank you for that"
156 - Maximum Thwopage
Paul: "Oooh, what a one star podcast"
92 - Without A Cluedo
Eli: "It's Gannon golden games, Gannon golden games, here he goes, there he goes, GANNON GOLDEN GAAAMES"
Paul: "I'll strike you with this FUCKING stick of justice!"
204 - Anti Comedy
Eli: "So, would you say, Smeg is to Red Dwarf as Spunk is to CheapShow?"
473 - Book Nook
Eli: "It's warmed up by your bollock heat. But I mean, I like a nice bollock warmed chocolate egg."
224 - The (Not Very) Pagan Picnic
Paul: "It makes perfect sense if you're Paul Gannon's brain"
421 - Tat Hunt: Watford High Street
Eli: "Last night some Spanish ladies came up, 'We're from Spain'. What do you think they asked for?"
Paul: "Do the accent"
Eli: "We from Spain"
Paul: "Yeah, don't do the accent"
17 - Batman's Anger Management
Eli: "I am NEVER going to wank you off!"
Paul: "Great now two strangers walking past completely heard that."
290 - The Boys of Summer
Eli: "Two of these items..."
Paul (Eli voice): "I found in the bin. I went looking for fags and found... a balloon with yoghurt in"
Eli: "Hahahaaa that'd be great!"
64 - A Crinkly Bottom Werewolf in London
Paul Byrne: "I find fruit fun, stick a banana up my bum, plant my penis in a plum, cantaloupes make me cum šµ"
190 - Urinevision 2020
Paul: "Mate, do I need to take a picture of this room and put it up online?"
Eli: "If you do that, there will be LEGISLATIVE issues!"
71 - Death to Don't Get Mad!
Eli: "GAS! SWAMP GAS! CHUTNEY GAS!"
83 - Mouth Sounds
Eli: "I'm just being meticulous, I wanna get this right, yeah?"
Paul: "You're not being meticulous. You're being Mick Tickle-ass."
246 - The Suitcase
Eli: "What about a porn film called 'Creme Masters', but 'Creme' is spelled..."
Paul: "What's it based on?"
Eli: "*Incoherent giggling*"
Ash: "We've lost Eli"
63 - The Gooch
Paul: "I don't know what a dirty shilling is"
Eli: "Well, it's when you toss your brother off"
169 - Frothtopia
Paul: "How close do you get to be for points?"
Ash: "Hey guys, how close do you get to be for points"
Eli: "I'll tell you how close you actually get to be for points, Paul"
Paul: "That's a bad one"
76 - Hit The Moog
Eli: "You brought up spunk with 'Jizzy Fingers'"
Paul: "That's just his name, it's French. 'JeusƩ Fingeurs'"
470 - Mano A Mano
Eli: "Right, so you're just conflating all these different nights in a jarbled mungle of dirty wordy birds?"
443 - Liquid Curios
Paul: "For you, the day I shat my pants and was sick, was the strangest day of your life, for me it was just a Saturday"
339 - Chicken Soup for the Hole
Paul: "We didn't used to be like this, where we talk shit for a bit, and then one of us snaps. It's not healthy, is it?!"
372 - Books Bunny
Paul: "You've ruined this for me"
Eli: "I haven't ruined it! YOU. CAN'T. COUNT. NUMBERS!"
124 - The CheapShow Awards
Paul: "We had joy, we had fun, here's the seasons of my bum šµ"
223 - The Mustard Hall of Fame
Paul: "I'd like to cut a turd in half"
Eli: "Yes, you would like to. I wouldn't like to"
Paul: "It's like dirty man play-doh"
244 - Creamed
Eli: "I didn't say Chodney"
Paul: "It's like that Leonard Nimoy book, your book will be called 'I am not Chodney'"
244 - Creamed
Paul: "Come on darliiin', 'aving a wank"
Eli: "God, Paul, please! please!"
Paul: "Just make your mind up quick! Think about it this way the longer you take the more chance there is for me to say something stupid"
106 - Bet Your Spunk!
Eli: "I will chadney with the randoes and spod my chod right off. It's a musical episode from us today as we go through the trough. We've got nothing for you listener, and nothing in between. And if you chod me off, I will cover you with my cream šµ"
280 - Nasty Shanties
Paul: "The point is that, I was in bed and I like shredded wheat and ..."
Eli: "Hahahaha!"
175 - Choose Your Own Misadventure
Eli: "When a gentleman's end has spodged off ... *giggling* ... Can we stop please!"
339 - Chicken Soup for the Hole
Eli: "Cream and chive dip there Paul, from McDonalds"
Paul (Uncle Grumbly): "I've got a sauce that's similar. It's called cheese and Clive dip"
Eli: "Yeah, and what's in that?"
Paul (Uncle Grumbly): "Cream... and the spoff of a man called Clive"
155 - Look-In '88 Rools OK Too!