"How do you like them scalpels"

- Surgeons in Boston, probably

Drop that beat… No seriously, you’re going to hurt your back

[gently waking my mom] I think I left my duelling glove at speed dating last night

Lawyer: It's a gray area.

Dog: Not really makin' things clearer.

i've learned that honesty is the best policy when i'm summoned by HR but also to be carefully vague

Exactly one year ago today:

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

Maritimers will tease you when they like you, they will also tease you when they don’t like you.

You will know the difference.

no thank you “shake shack” i prefer seismically safe restaurants

Mike's Hard Tax Return

"Balls to the walls" derives from the Old English "Manparts to the ramparts".

My financial advisor suggested I join a doomsday cult.

[bookstore]

customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is?

me: you are not off to a good start

I’ll immediately forget that I’m in someone’s profile, then wonder why I’m seeing so much of them

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

you guys wanna come over this weekend turn on some Lil Jon and get fucked up with the yorkis, or did you already have other plans?

You're Being Charged with Tax Evasion, Charlie Brown (88 mins, Kids 7+)

Every time a kid says “touch grass” I have to stop myself from replying “Sweetie, I’d rather smoke it”

*white house press conference*

Trump: Thank you all for coming. We're going to attack Iran from the moon. That is all.

Improving society by not participating in it

my “not in the epstein files” press conference is raising a lot of questions already answered by my press conference

I haven’t seen Melania do something this crazy since she asked her friend Jeffrey Epstein to introduce her to Donald Trump.

The time it takes to write a joke, from conception to birth, is the jestation period.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey.

RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that
"just take me home"

Sorry I'm late. There was an online form and I had to scroll to my birth year.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk

STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels

ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

if you know a Clifford and you don’t call him big dog delete your account

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.