@jessliese.bsky.social
Two Tims. Weirdly satisfying.

It's your FACE that makes you look gay.
- little brother
(Snazzy do, for reals.)

I put two valid, undamaged U.S. quarters in a vending machine to purchase something that cost fifty cents. One quarter the machine accepted, and the other it repeatedly returned. Why?

"Mixed Grill." Soylent Green for cats.

It's Sting. He's brought his lute.

I will wear a powdered wig and I will eat powdered donuts.

Thank you, spellcheck. I was indeed trying to write that Ariana Grande is a witty ingrown.

Please follow my Garfield tribute cartoon, "Fat Fuck."

NO ID NO SALE!

Ant-Noid bias. Reprehensible.

Donald Trump Jr. has got to be the luckiest fuck-up in the world.

- Like a girlfriend in Canada. Ten letters.
- Apocryphal.
- Thank you, dear.

- Are you going out like that?
- Lois, I'm Superman. I have to go out "like that."

Reeking of Gin. The new fragrance by Johnny Depp.

- How many Teletubbies are gay?
- One that we know of. Two if the first one is lucky.

You talk like a Canadian. I like that.

A story about a dead raccoon's penis? But what Trump cabinet member could that be about?

At one time grown men did not ride scooters.

A man sitting under a small table alone ended a canopy in Union Square. A sign on the canopy reads FREE.

No takers.

A.P. Automated plagiarism.

Laika was innocent. Poochie had it coming.

I still haven't forgiven Russia for Laika.

It's called a French horn because you tickle it with your tongue.

PENN CRAZY PLEASE HELP
- Teller's blinks

Guys with man buns fixing each other's hair

Apologizing in advance for the rest of my life.

Dour TV weatherperson Mary Poppins. Not the nanny--not by a long shot--just the same name. The anchors would LOVE to throw to Mary.

Music is math plus feelings. Comedy is math plus aggression.

Amna Nawaz reading the news in a green jacket in front of the graphic WAR WITH IRAN

Does this mean what I think it means? Did Amna Nawaz WIN THE MASTERS!!!

Matlock reruns at maximum volume. That was her most carnal experience as the light was fading.

If you were a super slug, you would be super slimy.