Gas prices are so high that Kristi Noem's husband has to buy his dresses at TJ Maxx!

Tiger Woods should have listened to his caddy when he said to use a driver.

Gas prices are so high that I called an Uber, and a guy showed up on a bike and had me sit in the basket.

Trump confirms that this year's Army-Navy game will be played in Iran.

Great new series coming out: "Law & Order: The Bachelorette"

Wow! Gas is so expensive that I just filled my tank and had to put it on layaway.

New law has passed: If you boycott the Bad Bunny half-time show, it will be illegal for you to dance the Macarena from now on.

Can't wait to see all the people who posted that they aren't watching Bad Bunny post how bad his half-time show was.

Kennedy Center to close July 4 for renovations. Spirit of Halloween to open August 4.

Pizza Hut dropped the ball. They should be offering the "Marty Supreme Pan Pizza!"

Picked up a "To Kill a Mockingbird" plush collectible from Hong Kong. It's a Labubu Radley.

Due to inflation, we'll only be having "The Feast of Five Fishes" tomorrow night.

Geez! Because of tariffs, I can only afford 1 Turtle Dove and 2 French Hens!

Wow! "Life of Pi 2" is being made. It's where the current administration blows up the boat, and the Bengal tiger survives and goes to DC looking for revenge!

Curtis Sliwa is about to get new fans!

Did Trump also pardon Kitara Ravache?

Behind Count Chocula but above Boo Berry.

Hate to stir the pot, especially with all the division these days, but here goes: Count Chocula is a superior cereal to Boo Berry.

Starting a fraternity for guys with heart problems called Alpha Beta Blockers.

Turns out the kid walking on the monorail at Hersheypark's last name was Wallenda.

Imagine if the guy who threw the Subway sandwich at a CBP agent in Washington DC got put in jail, and his cellmate was Jared Fogle!

F*cking inflation! Last night I went to Funkytown and there was a cover charge.

Mick Jagger turns 82 today and is singing, "Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my lawn."

Coldplay...More like Coldplaya!

(I'll see myself out.)

It's July 14th. 7/14. (Or "Quaalude Day" as us older people call it)

Damn! Before I went to bed, I accidently grabbed my Viagra instead of Tylenol PM and was up all night.

Sucks that Tony Shalhoub and Abe Vigoda never got to star in a show called "Monkfish"

Freak-off in Cell Block H tonight!