If a guy says he makes "six figures" it means 85K pre-tax plus some gift cards from his parents, so rounding up that's pretty much six figures.

Yes, that is my purse. My grandma passed away 9 years ago, but I still want Werther's Originals when I'm in church.

"TikTok? You mean the Chinese spyware app?"

- your uncle, on Facebook, from his iPhone, in a McDonald's, on public WiFi, immediately after signing up for a Triangle rewards card

If you can't handle me at my Magikarp, you don't deserve me at my Gyarados.

"We throw away enough food to feed those who are hungry. A win for capitalism is a loss for humanity."

- a dog watching a McDonald's employee clean up a puddle of barf

The only thing more heartwarming than baby laughter is mans-laughter.

I'll never forgive humans for what they did to the thylacine.

There aren't enough monotremes.

thank you.

I was talking to everyone that knows you, and they'd like you to stop.

I just did pee at the Poo Festival, and people are so mad.

But I guess I've always gone against the grain, taken the road less traveled, been a bit of a maverick.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that Mavis Beacon isn't a baddie.

My New Years Resolution is to finish my sexy Wario Land 3 fan fiction.

Hello, it's me, Michael Mouse. These are my friends, Humorous Dog and Angry Bird.

🤯

MANDELA EFFECT: Rosa Parks was NOT an unlockable character in Smash Bros. Melee.

"There's gonna be hot babes at the party."

- Nostradamus (age 19)

I can already tell that 2025 is going to be one of those years where people do things and stuff happens.

Mark my words.

My New Years Resolution is to defeat Kony 2012.

Worms, huh, yeah
What are they good for?
Aerating your garden
Say it again, y'all
Worms, huh (good god)
What are they good for?
Water infiltration

Normalize screaming in the woods.

This might seem strange, but if you write "could of" I think that you should be beaten with a hammer.

What fields are you guys frolicking in these days?

"I've earned a lil treat."

- a pigeon about to eat a cigarette out of a puddle of Dr. Pepper

My New Years Resolution is to stop killing myself in Banjo-Kazooie just so I can see Hot Gruntilda.

Your Dad: nobody had autism when I was a kid.

Also Your Dad: rearranges tools in the garage for 3 hours so that he doesn't have to speak to company.

Your Dad: young people are so sensitive these days.

Also Your Dad: STOP CALLING MY FAVORITE BILLIONAIRE STUPID.

Banks HATE this financial hack:

use their bathroom and steal all their toilet paper.

MANDELA EFFECT: Gandhi never actually said, "she thicker than cold peanut butter."

I will gladly participate in an activity, but you will NEVER see me at the function.