Sometimes I think letting people who don’t care about human misery run things was a bad idea

They said I’m a fine girl? Is that all they said about me?
-Brandy

id love to relax but my brain
just keeps opening more tabs

shh you’ been working too hard, hold still, I will pack you in grass clippings now🤗

busting out in hives, with a side of Lyme, how relaxing

"What that mouth do?"

Butter sculptures you fool. You absolute fool

if you’re not smoking weed with me, then your smoking it against me 😔

how can i be defunct if ive never been funct

they should create a type of government that benefits citizens

Ouija boards and mood rings need to make a comeback because they are Real

Haberdashery is a fun word to say. Say it

imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders

What I lack in social etiquette I make up for in volatility.

Not to brag, but I remember where this bruise on my leg came from

ME: i don’t know what attracted it but a bear wandered around our campsite all night long

FRIEND: sounds intense

ME: no we were really quiet

A cat completely tangled up in tape from a cassette.

♫ psycho killer, cat cassette ♫

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

‘Still punk’ I whisper to myself as I put the whole creme egg in my mouth in one go.

i KNEW someone heard me fart at yoga!

"Why do you make a cross of syrup on every pancake?"

"It is risen."

can I just... they had a show, with an alien ant eater... that liked to eat... cats? the most 80s shit ever

Charlie Shein?

brother may i have some oats

I used to be hungry like you brother

BUT HE'S STABBING, AND SPITTING, AND HUNTING THE SEAS

AND THINKING OF THAT WHALE FOR WHOM. HE. STILL. SEETHES.

noise canceling headphones aren't enough i need everyone to shut up

Instead of a werewolf you turn into Ted Danson every full moon, chasing down villagers and tearing into them as Ted Danson is known to do

A person dressed as the character from Where’s Waldo (Wally) steps in front of a bus.

Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps pictures of the mangled corpse. Several yards away, a uniformed officer is vomiting on the sidewalk. An unmarked sedan pulls up, and a detective emerges. Staring down at the body, he slowly removes his sunglasses and whispers, “Found him.”