Traveling abroad and some of these people just don'tget it. Uh, I came all the way to your country, the least you can do is learn MY language!

The pandemic brought many tragedies, but one of the least talked about was the closure of the restaurant chain Souplantation. I think about this a lot.

LIVER: Well, we made it through the weekend. I'm beat, gonna get some rest.

ME: Ooh... I just posted the new schedule. You picked up a few more shifts during the week.

LIVER: No! Can't the pancreas cover it?

ME: Sorry buddy, you're the only one qualified. See ya at Happy Hour!

Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody gets taken to Funkytown for free.

I better stop and use this airport bathroom because I know it's cleaner than mine at home.

Sorry I’m late for the custody hearing, there were no clocks in the casino.

The doctor checked my prostate and I said "gee, not gonna buy me dinner first?" which was unfair because earlier at dinner we had already agreed to split the tab.

They say that crime doesn't pay, but then, neither does working for minimum wage.

My job at the Save a Tree Foundation just transferred me to another branch.

Imagine if Barack Obama threatened to destroy a country's entire civilization, but while also wearing a tan suit.

Remember that time in Princess Bride when Wesley had to fight Ron Jeremy?

My friend is getting a colonoscopy today and I've got a wonderful suggestion for the doctor on how he could take this year's Easter Egg Hunt to the next level.

My Uber driver said to me today, 'I love my job. I'm my own boss. No one tells me what to do.'

Then I told him to make a left turn.

It may be Good Friday, but instead of mustard, that yellow liquid water just squirted all over my sandwich. So there's been better Fridays...

I’ve got to teach my kids about “Laverne & Shirley” because they won’t teach it in school.

I’m Florida sober (haven’t smoked meth with an alligator outside of a gas station I just robbed in 64 days)

Shouldn't Tiger Woods's caddie recommend when to use a driver?

This girl offered me a penny for my thoughts and afterward said she was owed change. 😕

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

In a rough bar one night, a biker came right up to me and snarled "Have you got a problem?" I showed him my notes on nuclear fusion, and -- long story short -- we'll soon be sharing a Nobel prize

Wow, I can't believe after today, baseball is already 00.61728395061728% over. 😥

sorry, I can't come to the phone I carry on me at all times and which is usually in my hands

"Exclamation mark," I say dryly into my speech-to-text message.

Gonna save myself as a draft and hope I'll be better at a later time.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

So tired of my friend not appreciating his abundance. I mean, I don't even have ONE sclerosis!

Tell that to Rusty Kuntz!

[Sitting in the front row of Gallagher's funeral and noticing everyone else in plastic tarp and protective glasses]

ME: Oh no...

St. Patrick is the reason why Jake the Snake Roberts was never allowed to wrestle in Ireland.

When people say "don't mind me," I usually end up minding the fuck out of them.