if it wasn't for the fact that their very existence is itself unbridled hubris against the gods, birds should probably have made it into outer space by now

twas a good vintage

i begin typing on an old typewriter, "a werewolf is steering a submarine" but then stop. i crunch up the paper and throw it in the fire. the world isn't ready yet for Captain Harry McHowls, the submarine pilot who is secretly a werewolf hiding from the moon

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

[1633 Vatican]
State your full name
“Galileo Galilei”
Galileo Galilei?
♫I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me♫
*cardinals just go nuts*

Abby!!!🐃🌄😘

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba's screams every night.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

An immortal wildebeest clatters throughout the ages. He has always clattered. He will be forever clattering. On and on and on he clatters.