normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

alexa release the hounds

everything since pangaea has been a mistake

their full name is Silversun Light-Duty Pickup Trucks but they shortened it for merch

PAUSE ALL MEN

15 y/o daughter asked me to pick up feminine hygiene products for her. She went on to explain that, “Mom doesn’t need them anymore because her men are all paused.”

I hate when my brain has too many tabs open

it's so sad when good looking people die

the fates:
let’s do a timeline where the dumbest person in the world thinks they’re the smartest person in the world

tv studio tag line “not a doctor”

This is the worst season of The Apprentice yet

embracing my ‘fuck it’ era

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

omg astronauts made it all the way to the dang moon and then all the way home and now they can't get the satellite phone to work and NASA is basically like "hey okay but did you press the right button okay so just a sec we'll call you back" and I'm 100% convinced they're calling tech support

unfortunately the astronauts luggage was mistakenly sent to mars

what do you MEAN my flight will be late, i just watched something from THE MOON land on time

they should replace two factor authentication with a troll that asks you three riddles

Watching this landing has me realizing I need to go to counseling for space related traumas

ok but so far we’ve only heard one astronaut talking since splashdown - i need proof of life

also, remember V….

astronauts will be all "ooh reentering the atmosphere is so challenging and dangerous!!" and it's like, ok..? this whole thing was your idea. don't drag me into it

HOUSTON: Integrity, you have nominal trajectory.

INTEGRITY: Screw you, Houston, YOU have nominal trajectory.

not the crew of artemis ii immediately heading to the duty free shops bc they forgot to bring back souvenirs from their trip

i hope the astronauts remember to grab their phone chargers when they get picked up

my posts went to jupiter, and guess what

imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders

Re-entry is so hot.

Time really flies when you're spiraling.

i really hope my death doesn’t involve the word plummet.