Rhubarb is just desert celery

Wednesday is the armpit of the week.

“They did a study” - Common, uneducated, boorish

“If you read the literature” - makes you sound like you read, person unspecific, will 100% stop anyone talking to you

Can’t believe it’s 2157 and I’m STILL the only one who’s figured out time travel 🤦‍♀️

Just did Manuel Handling training. I am now equipped to deal with Manuel’s challenging office persona.

I’m a very sensitive guy but for the first hour after waking up I’m am oblivious to nearly all external stimulus that doesn’t involve mainlining caffeine.

If you can’t do the bed time, don’t do the bed crime

I’ve watched so many caving tragedy videos that I’m starting to think wedging yourself into a gap by exhaling twenty meters into a mountain and descending three meters upside down into a muddy pool in 5 degrees c without appropriate clothing or air supply is a bad idea.

Zoey Béchamel

The number of oranges you can fit in your mouth is dependent on:

a) Your level of commitment
b) Whether or not you are a hippo

Egg is the superior form of chocolate.

good

The elders have come and destroyed the building. I fear they have found the basement door.

People say money can’t buy happiness but you can literally buy a fuckin’ dog

[optimistic future] I will own a house and live comfortably.

[current future] My radioactive bones are making fissile compounds with the microplastics in my blood.

I regularly engage in human activities, such as consuming organic matter, perambulating, and bilabial communication.

being the best at everything is easy when you get to define the word best

Australian cars have 4 reverse gears for this purpose

chicken: (learning that the price of it’s eggs were the downfall of humanity) bok bok bok

Modern problems require solutions that have been in place for 10+ years

Earth is actually just a cringe harvesting scheme by aliens

YouTubers forget the biggest advantage of a VPN is making it look like you’re globetrotting and not sitting in the same apartment for 364 days of the year.

How did they decide when to stop elongating the spaghetti??? There’s a universe out there where it’s just one big noodle and I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I was there

finally learned what mukbang videos are
you freaks are disgusting
they're not even fucking the muk

Calling toilet water “piss bisque” until my wife leaves me (again)

Applying for jobs is easy if you don’t value your time, your mental health, or the mental health of your family 👍

That’ll show ‘em (please take care of your mental health)

Please consider becoming a chair; it’s not so bad and let’s face it you’re mostly sitting anyway.

The Chicken Finder. A reality TV show where a dude goes around locating chickens.