It's being reported Ozzy has died, bit his own head off. Damnedest thing.

I'd use Lockjaw for Thor and Beta Ray Bill. Use Lady Thor to pull both hammers to the hand. But if Lockjaw is one-time use the deck is not nearly as powerful. Gotta hope for Odin.

Shame on me for not looking first, but this Panera salad's main ingredient is arugula. Even without functioning tastebuds it's completely inedible. How has anyone ever eaten this trash weed?

Update killed my Lockjaw deck. One time use suuucks. #MarvelSnap

We have a new kid starting at the shop today who looks like Beavis and I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to ex

I met my mother-in-law in 2008 and to this day it still makes me laugh to refer to her and her partner as detectives rather than lesbians.

Never seen that word written before. Triple. What a country.

I've officially opted out of "bless you" after sneezes. I won't say it, and I'm not accepting them if I sneeze.

It serves no purpose. I prefer to say helpful things like "gross!" or "contain your pathogens."

Called out of work today. Too sad about Sabu (diarrhea).

Customer comes in with 2 of these on her car. Perfectly healthy cult, nothing to see here.

Need to apologize to my coworkers and customers today...I chose Skyrim over a shower last night.

Dropped my bowl. Shattered. Like my heart.

My mom sent me job listings for the Onion as staff writer and I just can't handle more writing job rejection. I'm not looking for work. I'm not interested in being told you're not funny enough yet afuckinggain

I do not expect it to ever happen, and it absolutely floors me when it does. Because for my voice to resonate with you 2 years after hearing it for the last time, you really must have listened a lot

I don't want to act like I have zero ego from my radio days, I truly enjoyed that job for a long time and left for reasons that are different every time I talk about it publicly. I've been at my new job for almost 2 years now, and was recognized by voice today for maybe the third or fourth time. .

Every 5 years I need to be reminded that Panera bread bowls aren't worth the extra couple bucks. Maybe it's more a lunch time thing? Bc the outer shell I just got was too hard to try to eat. See you in 2030.

Podcast hosts do their ad reads in one take and it shows.

That's not how you spell ostrich.

A day late to Conan's podcast with Burr. Absolutely lost my shit when Burr described Conan as a Featherless Ostriche. Legit haven't laughed that hard in months.

Overheard my favorite discussion at work the other day. "My parents hit me and I turned out fine"

No..you fucking didn't. For one, you're fine with an adult hitting a child. That's psychotic. Go to therapy, asshole.

I don't consider myself anything close to an Alpha male.
BUT, I do buy my beard shampoo exclusively at the local Ace hardware.

Today's working with one earbud in playlist #metalsky

When they moved in a couple years ago, the dad across the street was introduced to me as "this is ____, he doesn't talk much" and I thought "Challenge fucking accepted!"

We are cool, as far as I can tell, but we don't talk to each other like, at all.

He's my favorite neighbor of all time. ALLTIME.

Today's lifting shuffle #metal

Magic Johnson tweet-ass reply

Nobody has turned on the radio at work today and I am sooooo happy. It's always on one of those "we play everything" pop stations but it's the same songs in a different order every day.

Central heat: running
Kid is cold, let me raise the temp 2 degrees.
Central heat: shuts off immediately.

"it's called Normalling"

Currently being shamed on reddit for not thinking Animal House or Blues Brothers are funny. Shamed isn't right, bc I don't care. But they're trying.