When I asked the universe for fuller, thicker hair I wasn’t talking about my eyebrows!!!

You know things are screwed when you go to the store to buy your weed and then get your eggs from the lady down the street who raises the chickens herself?

Love a one stop shop.
☕️🍾🧴

I couldn’t find some of them and the donation breakdowns include senior employees personal donations of ANY size. And often they have donations to both parties. So take this data with a grain of salt and do your own research.

Okay so I went to Goods Unite Us and verified the list. While I’m all for using my dollars to make a statement don’t be that person who just takes a screenshot and thinks it’s gospel.

We’re about to find out Rock Bottom has a basement.

When you give up on trying to fold fitted sheets.

Woke up this morning and checked and my Fucks-to-Give account still has a zero balance.

This is to all the GD deniers that told me & my friends that we were “overreacting” to the #fascism that we saw rising & today are witnessing in full swing our country.

ALL this is on YOU because without YOU ~ there would be no #Trump #SheShed

Happy Hump Day ya’ll 💙💙

If you think getting 0 likes is gonna stop me from posting, I've got news for you.

*yelling at my partner for leaving on the stove*

Me: you almost burned the house down!

6yo godson: boots!!!

And that’s where Xmas dinner went off the rails.

It takes skill to be this terrible at life.

No, YOU put your phone down and spend time with my family!

*pushes your ugly baby out of the way to pet your dog*

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

At the casino and my slot machine is just not hitting. But the 70-year-old couple next to me and is having a very loud argument about how she doesn’t wanna make sex tapes anymore, so I’m not going anywhere.

Just OOD the crap out of it. Nothing screams genius quite like 20 layers of abstraction and inheritance.

And I’d do it again.

I started with nothing. And now I’m proud to say I still have most of it left.

Nothing makes you feel old quite like finding out that your childhood toys are now considered vintage collectibles.

Not being able to teleport is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me

Don’t worry, Mitch McConnell, we haven’t forgotten that most of this is your fault.

fährt der Bus noch?

Or that they pay their 6 year old niece to be their social media manager. 😏

*setting up a b/t enabled water bottle that monitors how much you drink and constantly reminds you when you need to drink water*

App Setup: “Please name your bottle”

Types: Mom

🤣

Gonna unapologetically outright steal this.