Please kill me God

US Cooks literally abuse butter

I have pain(t)s of thou

Remember grandma words,
It’s never enough for garlic

I speak 3 languages; English, Cockney and Bullshit.

Hahahahaha

I speak fluent sarcasm, occasionally mixed with tears

Roses are red, my soul is black, life moved forward, I stayed back.

I am not pretending babe i am manifesting 💋

You’re proof that evolution can take a coffee break

Some lessons don’t come from books, they come from your bad advice.

Thanks for the heartbreak. It pairs well with my sarcasm.

Your aesthetic is stolen. Your personality is missing.

My parents don’t need therapy, they have me for free
(I cook sphagetti for them)

Congrats on existing. Now can you stop narrating it?

History books are horror stories, written politely.

Some people age like wine; others age like unwashed socks in the back of the fridge.

Their favorite line: ‘When I was your age…’
you were prehistoric

My diet is 50% hope, 50% regret, 100% snacks

Red flags look pink if you squint with denial

Not everyone deserves closure Sometimes the door just stays slammed

Best friends finish each other’s… gossip.

Reminder for my bf,
Thanks for being my unpaid therapist with worse advice than Google 🥹

My main intention in this life, bein’ rich in a decent way

Breakups are just free trials for character development

Besties forever or until someone forgets to tag you

Parents call it advice I call it emotional spam

I’m so grateful to God that I’m able to cook, cooking is sacred. Some of you will feel me, I know that

Romantic dinners are cute… until the bill shows up.

technically dehydration is also a drinking problem