To all of you people who are super organized and "have a place for everything and everything in its place," what's it like to be God's favorite? And also, fuck you.

You mix the signals, I’ll mix the drinks.

A denial a day keeps the doctor away.

I've just been talking to God, mainly on the account of head butting the bathroom door when picking up a towel.

Thank you for the invitation to your party. May I ask, what is your Dorito situation?

Laying awake all night waiting for people to confirm they still don’t hate you is exhausting

[flirtatiously placing my hand on his thigh at the bar]
So where’s *Mrs* Potatohead tonight?

Me: How do you know I'm an organic cyclic compound? I could be a Terminator.

Him: I just watched you walk into a door frame.

Me: So, a drunk Terminator.

If someone you know is crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

When friends or family members asks me if I'm seeing anyone I automatically assume they're talking about a shrink.

On days like today when I hate my job I just remind myself that someone out there is Marjorie Taylor Greene's podiatrist.

Disco conspiracy theory. Studio 51

the reason I use a spray rather than aloe gel for sunburn is because I don’t like applying that gel directly to my butthole

peak male performance can’t be encapsulated in a boner pill
everybody knows it’s encapsulated in a Doan’s backache pill

If you say so, I smilingly disagreed.

The urge to make homemade noodles fades and a kitchen table stays hidden under its blanket of mail.

Social media is fun because you basically just talk to yourself and sometimes a stranger replies to yell at you about why you’re wrong

my left big toe hurts and WebMD says I should die about it

I’m not unfunny often but when I am I make sure to skeet

I've clenched my teeth in anger so much lately that I now have the bite force of a spotted hyena.

Him: What's your five year plan?

Me: Bold of you to assume the human race will be here in five years.

Can't. Curating my bad life choices spreadsheet.

laugh it up, shit your pants, it’s all happening

remember cronuts? nobody gives a shit about those things anymore

I get it, I’m also stupid

The new survey is out, and for the first time in 80 years, the number one answer isn't, "Baby Hitler."