Let he who hasn't lost his balance fondling the sister of his mistress while high on cocaine cast the first stone.

Disappointing they cut the bit where Margolyes told Rajan he looked like he was dressed like a pimp during the final #UniversityChallenge

Oh, just give out two bowls Clive! #mastermind

I think we're going with Snooker Twink

Champagne and hats?

Feels like the start of a story in a sitcom that ends with divorce papers where the reason for divorce is "Blobby Blobby Blobby"

Roses are red
Soup goes in bowls

I work in pensions and was at an event last year where the head of the Pensions Regulator answered a question about 'why don't you educate the public' with a 'not my problem' answer. Absolutely appalling.

Great moment at the end of Great Japanese Railway Journeys where the man was telling Michael all about Samurai and Michael got very excited when he got his sword out

The "rageclicks" school of journalism?

Michael Portillo is doing train journeys in Japan! I hope he does karaoke - I'm sure he'd love to have a go at some Queen

Or "everyone forgets they exist until Sir Ed shoots himself out of a human cannonball"

I read that as Tennison 2 and thought "Kylie would be great as the DCI in Prime Suspect"

40% of the words he uses in conversation are "mate"

I had a lot of fun retuning the TV* in my hotel room tonight

* This is not a euphemism

Pat Sharp's done well for himself after Fun House, hasn't he?

I hope he finds whoever been in charge of the NHS in England for the last 2 years or so!

One of my favourite bits of trivia is that an 11-year-old Sandi Toskvig was at mission control for the Apollo 11 launch, holding Neil Armstrong's secretary's hand, because her father was covering the event.

Even more impressive in hindsight now we can see he used a frying pan instead of a tennis racquet

I just imagined someone calling Mandleson Daddy and I want to crawl out of my own skin

Happy birthday Pam!

Reminds me of the Susie Blake line in As Seen On TV: "That's not a word I care to read out I don't think. Fortunately it's not something I'm ever likely to get but if I did get it, I certainly wouldn't put yoghurt on it"

Those 70s superfoods:
- Smash
- Butterscotch Angel Delight
- Cheese and pineapple on sticks skewered into a hedgehog
- Chicken Maryland with a banana fritter
- Vesta curry
- Arctic roll
- Anything preserved in aspic
- Duck à l'orange

No

A parrot discovered at Dublin Airport has been safely reunited with its owner, thanks to the efforts of airport staff and the public. The Alexandrine parakeet, temporarily nicknamed "Troy" by airport staff in honour of Republic of Ireland footballer Troy Parrott, was discovered near Terminal One by airport police on Easter Sunday. The parrot, which is female and nearly two years old, was cared for at the airport police station and provided with fruit, water, toys, and a temporary enclosure constructed by the Airport Police K9 unit.

Bloody parrot got more than any Ryanair passenger got in over 25 years

Why cancel it? Why not just get another headliner? Just get Jane McDonald in

WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!

Dammit Simon, you've stolen my Mastermind specialist subject choice!

A news report of Gregg Wallace's new "cookery show" Gregg (Wallace) announced the news on The Malik Butchers Facebook page. There is a picture of Gregg looking as odious as usual. ‘I am excited to announce a brand new live cookery show on TikTok, Gregg’s Kitchen, and it will showcase on Sunday, April 5,’ Wallace explains

Look who's risen from the dead on Easter Sunday!

(Clue: He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy)