just....enjoy this

Taking care of children is EXHAUSTING.

JUST PAY THE RANSOM ALREADY YOU CHEAPSKATES.

If your product has a warning sticker on it that says "DO NOT INSERT PENIS INTO THIS PRODUCT" then you know it's been available for sale in the US long enough for there to have been a lawsuit because it DIDN'T have that warning on it.

The iPhone is the #1-selling item of all time in the category of "Things to read while on the toilet", just ahead of old editions of The New Yorker.

Unrelated, but guess where I'm posting this from.

Trump: Interest rates should be lower!

Fed: It's a bad idea to lower interest rates when employment is strong.

Trump: Say no more!

Toilet? No thanks, I use a skibidibidet.

"We have a new feature that will make suggestions that will either be (a) idiotically and trivially obvious, or (b) absolutely blitheringly wrong."

"It's AI, isn't it."

"And it's automatically enabled on your account!"

"Let me guess, you ca--"

"Can't turn it off, correct."

ATTENTION: for the purposes of my diet today, mustard counts as a serving of fruit

Maybe “never” is a strong word, but these are people who are obviously willing to do anything they can to not lose, and it’s hard to make the claim that there are lines they simply won’t cross on principle. There aren’t.

Beware the latest viral TikTok challenge where teens film themselves trying to immanentize the eschaton. People can get hurt!

Ironically, this makes me SO ANGRY

ME: trying to sell thing on eBay, priced it at the price I want

eBay: Yeah, it didn't sell. You should set it to auction starting at $1, the low initial price always attracts interest and can drive the bidding up!

[ THREE DAYS LATER ]

eBay: Congratulations, your item sold for $1

His doctor says he's 6'3"? And weighs 224lbs? What kind of incompetent medical professional would release such obvi--

[ FIRES STATISTICIAN FOR GIVING HIM JOB NUMBERS HE DOESN'T LIKE ]

Ooooh, I get it now.

Welcome to the future. All your emails and phone calls now come from robots programmed to scam you, and all the websites make you prove you're not a robot so they can show you fake content slopped together by robots.

I like to virtue signal by being a normal human being.

Those are called “reps”, bro

Does anyone know if the tsunami warnings extend to Lake Minnetonka?

Instead of a eulogy, just read my resume out loud.

And then end it with "David's only regret in life was not spending more time at the office."

I'm often wrong, but *surprisingly* confident about it.

"You only use 10% of your brain at any time!"

Oh my god! And I only use 50% of the foot pedals in my car at any time too! I guess I should be stomping down as hard as I can on BOTH OF THEM AT ONCE AT ALL TIMES IN ORDER TO MAXIMIZE CAR USAGE!

My inability to recognize my weaknesses is one of my greatest strengths.

My FICO score went up by 32 points because of all the money I’ve added to my swear jar in 2025 alone.

The notes on my chart from my last doctor's visit say "no gross musculoskeletal defects noted".

Is she flirting with me?

AVAILABLE: 2 tickets to Coldplay at the Excel Center on November

Selling for personal reasons. Very motivated, make an offer.

Can you imagine being the inventor of BREAD, one of the most basic food staples that keeps us ALIVE, and then all the credit and kudos go to the dipshit who invented CUTTING IT?

THE HORSE I RODE IN ON: "Wait, what?"

Israel + Iran were literally fueling planes, dropping bombs and launching missiles while this pathetic shitgibbon posted on his vanity social media sitting on the toilet, begging and laughably "ordering" them to obey a ceasefire that existed only in his imagination

He is the world's laughingstock.

I work out and try to eat healthy because the doctor who is going to treat me in 10 years is currently using AI to pass their certs.

So apparently we have to wait two weeks to see if Iran has nuclear weapons, and you know what that means: they may also be hiding the Infrastructure Bill.

You’re just like your father?

TWOfold?

In THIS economy?