michael douglas

the morning,

arrives

i assume it was a good thing back then

it’s normal and good for your car dashboard to flicker all the time like this

replace every area at universal studios with jean-claude van damme tie-ins. swap the transformers ride with a timecop one. instead of halloween horror nights have universal soldier nights where brainless hunks roam the park with sci-fi rifles. harry potter land becomes bloodsport land. and so on

they’re so fucking fun, i’m having a terrific time

watching a tenth jean-claude van damme movie in a row

replace every area at universal studios with jean-claude van damme tie-ins. swap the transformers ride with a timecop one. instead of halloween horror nights have universal soldier nights where brainless hunks roam the park with sci-fi rifles. harry potter land becomes bloodsport land. and so on

on my knees with tears in my eyes, pledging my soul to credit card companies as i salute the flag and take another deep huff of bug spray

[calling in sick voice] i need red light therapy on my ballbag, boss

another kickass orlando show curated by yours truly has been announced, come see me scream my lungs and dance my ass off in a bowling alley with some of my favorite people next month:

in lionheart there’s multiple scenes where he eats food with the energy of an alien who’s never experienced it before. i can only imagine his $10,000 a week cocaine habit had something to do with this

fell asleep watching a van damme movie. awoke and immediately finished it. now i’m on another van damme movie. my van damnation continues!!!

this post brought to you by me finding out about red light underwear

movies, yeah!!!

this is the closest comparison i can think of, and even then it’s still not on the same level:

i don’t think i’ve ever seen anything quite like it

so powerful

this is such an incredible poster

van dammathon

my review:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “bullshit!!!!”

nah, he’s currently training with yoda on dagobah. i can’t wait to find out what you mean though

this fucking rules so far

this one opens with a deeply bisexual-feeling montage of him and another ripped guy cruisin for strange in thailand together while a ridiculous theme song plays. i’m in for a treat

round fuckin 3, why the hell not. the jean-claude movies are flowing freely

this post brought to you by me finding out about red light underwear

exposing my penis to too much blue light and being unable to fall asleep

lmao

holy shit he literally kicks his way off of the cross

i’m weeping