Being horny toad on main (lying on a sun-warmed rock, eating bugs, and shooting foul-smelling blood from my eyes as a defense mechanism)

"love means never having to say you’re sorry" I say as a rip a wet fart

I was high for over 24 hours so it got kinda old 🤣

Absolutely the worst

I don't celebrate 420 because one time I ate half a pan of weed brownies and a portal to another dimension appeared in my guest bathroom but cheers to the rest of you 💨💨💨

*seductively unzipping my human skin suit*

stealing the pie you left to cool on your windowsill because I’m a rascal

I'm trying to make use of what I have on hand ok!

I believe it a blorb

*trying to brick fortunado into the wall of my cellar using air dry clay* I’m going to need you to hold still for about 24-72 hours bud

A good way to leave a conversation is to yell 𝖆𝖇𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖆𝖉𝖆𝖇𝖗𝖆! and vanish into a puff of smoke

*jewel voice* 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓁𝓁𝓈

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab

my grandma has a tuna casserole recipe that’s so complicated it requires a car ride to a second grandma’s house.

You guys go on and keep reaching for the stars. I’ll just stay here and have an egg.

i wish my body worked like an iPhone and told me exactly how long i need to charge until im at 80%

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

Pinned down by cats. This is a good death.

let’s order takeout and watch viewer discretion advised television

So many people wanting me to let them be Frank with me. No. Who even is that man and why is everyone trying to be him?

turtles have shells so they have somewhere to hide when a contractor is at their house doing work

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

*deep in thought, scratching chin

Should I really buy a dartboard?

I can’t wait to be put out to pasture instead of rawdogging this reality.

I spewed Diet Coke through my nose whilst reading your skeet. Please respond.

Sabrina the Middle Aged Witch

In the garden soiling myself.

Alienating everybody one skeet at a time.