It doesn't need to be SPOTLESS but I want to at least make sure that there aren't piles of stuff in the living room and it doesn't smell like cat

Ughhh less than two weeks until bèa visits and I still have to deep clean the apartment, I'm the most stressed a human has ever been

fighting games are fun, but that fun is getting more and more elusive, and once you start caring about improving and doing well it's hard to shut that part of your brain off

showering, shaving, and running an errand helped, but I still think I'm gonna take a break

idk. idk. maybe a month or two off would be helpful

and if I could just make peace with being bad and mash with friends as a social thing that'd be one thing, but even when I'm playing long casual sets with friends on netplay I get demoralized and tilted because it sucks to get bodied!

even my friends who are also newer to the game are improving in leaps and bounds, and I'm still at that awful beginner-intermediate skill level where playing against new players comes off like I'm pubstomping, but playing against anyone that's put time into the game is being put in a meat grinder

like idk. i know that switching characters and going long periods without seriously practicing or playing to learn is harming my progress, but it still feels like i have very little skill and no actual fundamentals to show for over a year of grinding xrd

maybe i should take an actual long break from fighting games (or at least netplaying them)

Maybe I get an orchi or something to see if that helps...

Like idk if I actually want srs because of the pain+expense+recovery process+risk of complications, but it IS going to bug me

Extremely annoying to realize that I do have some mild bottom dysphoria

and the worst part is that all this is triggered by my boss sending a firmly worded email saying "hey, you havent been doing great at this specific thing, you need to be more diligent", and instead of just shrugging and going "yeah, that's a good point, thanks" I've had a day-long depressed crashout

i don't feel like a person!!!! i'm 60% of a human being that's trying to be a full person and failing!!!!

"walking into the desert and never talking to another human being" stocks have NEVER been higher

ughhh i hate being the most neurotic person in the worlddddddd

<-girl who struggles to self-soothe because even minor inconveniences feel like the end of the world

i just wish that knowing something intellectually actually had an impact on my moods and habits

unfortunately it's turning into one of those days where I have to consciously reassure myself every few minutes that I'm NOT a failure, I'm just struggling a bit in a tumultuous time and it's a normal part of being a human being

I'm not sleeping as much as I should, it's harder to focus on my very easy job, I'm having trouble budgeting a generous paycheck, I'm constantly worried about people secretly hating me... I feel like I'm fraying at the seams for no real reason other than I'm not really built for living normally

theyre calling her the most stressed woman alive despite not really having much to stress out over

And the worst part is that when I *do* think back on my childhood, most of the time my knee-jerk reaction is "ugh, I can't believe I was so childish and immature when I was a literal immature child"

It wasn't anything super dramatic: my parents tried their best despite their conservative upbringing, and I wasn't abused or anything, I was just a deeply lonely and maladjusted kid for years and years

It's 3am, which means it's time to think about how quietly sad a lot of my childhood was

I hate hate hate that I'm this needy and insatiable, I live a good and fulfilling life but half the time my brain throws a fit because others have things that I don't

Unjustified jealousy is easily the most annoying and childish emotion to be cursed by

I've just gotta make it through two more years and I won't be saddled with a hefty car payment and I'll hopefully be done with electrolysis. It just sucks that I can't budget to save my life because I have ipad baby brain

UuuUuuuugh I hate being nervous about money literally all the time! I hate being irresponsible and spending money on things I shouldn't!!! I hate how I never have the willpower to actually build up savings!!!!

I'm still tired and my emotions are a bit raw, but I'm glad I ended the day on a high note

It turns out the answer is "have a good time at post-locals dinner when you're not stressed and overstimulated and socially anxious"