wouldn’t normally even allude to this but like. godddddddd.

❔ — god. i can't stop fantasising about [redacted]. to the point that it's becoming insanely distracting.

💀 — more graphic nightmares abt sa. sigh.

💀 — i really do not want to be alive at the moment.

i don’t know how to articulate things. but it feels like we’re losing our grip on all of the relationships that matter to us. maybe it’s not true. but everyone feels so distant and closed off and uninterested.

💀 — i feel fucking awful.

💀 — lost a huge chunk of time either passing out or dissociating. really cool.

💀 — kind of pissed off we actually used the needle traps on our needles earlier lol.

💀 — god i’m such a bitter piece of shit.

💀 — thought process at the moment is literally just ‘i should [redacted]. i am going to [redacted].’ on repeat.

💀 — whatever. i guess i don't have the energy remaining to care. i think i wish i did, but it's hard to tell with the current emotional numbness and the distance from our relationships on my part atm/lack of felt familiarity with people. it's unusual for us not to hold some degree of the latter.

💀 — do i feel guilty? or at least guilty for not really feeling guilty? i don't know.

💀 — had a really fucking intense dream abt sa which i can now be reassured was just a dream based on the timing and perpetrator but like. sigh.

💀 — ugh. i think i’m pissed off. which i guess is more manageable than the profound misery and fear from earlier but is also totally unreasonable of me and needs to stop immediately. so

pathetic, really.

💀 — fuck this. it’s so fucking difficult to be at all nice or polite or whatever right now. i feel fucked mentally.

💀 — god i feel like an insane person. and i just know this is probably going to trigger an episode, but also if i make it about myself i will [redacted], so.

🩸 — peculiar dream about visiting a campsite thing. can’t tell if it was more a memory or not.

🩸 — feeling nothing at all about anything. fork found in kitchen drawer. etc.

god this is a really bad one for some reason and the fact that it is bad is making me feel worse. which is making me feel even guiltier

i keep nearly crying and im not rly sure why? i feel guilty and bad and evil

🕊️ — oh… i feel. not ideal :(

RIGHTTTTT!!!!!! its like why does this just look like a worldbuilding exercise rn i PROMISE its real Q_Q.. if u ever wanna talk abt it and share we would be happy to talk through our stuff too though!!! our dms are always open o7

it's hard to know where to talk abt innerworld stuff because it's... so personal? and crazy-sounding? i'm tempted to make a blog abt our sys experiences but idk...

🕊️ — kind of an unsurprising realisation given the severity of the dissociative ep we had yesterday and the extensiveness of and variety in the rapid switching we had to endure BUT i think there are a lot of other people on this like. section of layer one than we were previously able to recognise...

i feel lonely somehow. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

🕊️ — ah… i’m sad.

❔ — i feel so guilty for everything i do. like. it’s really fucking bad. i never get like this. other alters do but. like.

👁️‍🗨️ — jesus christ. this is so stupid.

👁️‍🗨️ — scarification… i’m thinking about it.